Thursday, 5 November 2015

Excerpt From Fountain War Book Leaked

An extract from Jeff Edward's controversial new book based on Eve was posted to reddit earlier today, recounting the early days of the Fountain war.

"Dabigredboat looked up from his screen. He had just read how Imperium forces had been successfully contested a shield I-Hub timer in NOL-M9 on New Eden's premiere news site, 'I'm sure glad The Mittani's smooth leadership and charisma is enough to keep 35,000 faggots in line', he mused to himself.

Noting Test would probably be too cowardly to come out for another fight for today, the captain returned to his antiquated 42,000 year old PC from the planet known as Earth. Although most of the components had to be replaced, his Nvidia graphics card, noted for its extreme processing ability and sheer durability, still worked just fine. He loaded up his favourite game H1Z1, awarded the 'Most Timeless Zombie Survival Game Award' in YC113. He was in the privileged position of having a special 'His Regards' Machete, which he redeemed from the welcome pack along with a decent helmet and an alright shirt.

Meanwhile Kcolor, one of the leaders of the Imperium's bombing squad, was sitting cloaked in a backwater system in Delve. Suddenly, an enemy Nyx-class ship warped to the anomaly he was in. Kcolor tried to motivate himself to summon a fleet of Imperium ships to destroy the krab but he could not do it; he had fallen victim to Hearthstone's exciting and entertaining gameplay. 'It's okay, it's Test so he'll probably forget to turn his tank on and get killed by Blood Raiders', he told himself."

Backers have praised the writing style, with the author managing to sell even a fairly unexciting part of the war. Although some have complained about the amount of product placement in the book, The Mittani has reassured backers there will be no adverts in the actual book for those who pledge more than $200 to the kickstarter, and only one advert every three pages to those who donate $50.

Friday, 18 September 2015

Imperium's Closed Door CSM meeting with CCP Results in Drastic Changes

Cries of pain could be heard this morning from members of the Kill Death Ratio Group after CCP Ytterbium announced that Citadel Structures, Eve's next desperate attempt to save its player base, would require extensive sieging and would force alliances to commit serious assists to the field.

Early reports are coming in have found that during a closed door session of the CSM, members of the Imperium's CSM team and CCP Games met to discuss further removal of "Fozziesov" as a game mechanic. An interview with a member of the CSM that wishes to remain nameless revealed the situation.
“The meeting was closed door, meaning that the player base will not be hear about it in the minutes. Members of the Imperium coalition, namely Sion Kumitomo, demanded that CCP games step back from their failed attempt at Hacking Online. The part I liked best was how easily CCP developers bent over in front of the round table."
He paused for a second before continuing. 
"It was really something, the way the devs handled the pounding, I have never seen that in a game company before. I mean here I am trying to improve on the Fozziesov mechanic so players can have more elite player versus player content but instead CCP is taking one up the backside from Sion. I am really concerned that future changes like this will continue away from the players eyes."
Some have questioned CCP's "CSM meetings" in the past, with heavily redacted information similar to the United States CIA notes, but this might have gone overboard. More details will come in as we get them but this has to be the biggest scandal of Eve Online since T20 first happened many years ago!

Tuesday, 28 April 2015

CCP Fozzie Unveils Ship Rebalances for June Release

Eve's #1 killer of nullsec coalitions today released a variety of ship balances intended to complement the release of the new sov 4.20 system, in which systems will be conquered through Entosis Links rather than grinding.

The most anticipated change was that of the Ishtar. With the Entosis Link being a highslot module, many expected the prevalence of droneboats to increase in nullsec.
"I've decided I can't really be fucked to deal with you since you'll whine whatever I do, so we're just going to remove the Ishtar from the game. We''ll replace it with a T2 version of the Exequror that gets a 500% bonus to cargohold volume per level of Heavy Assault Ships. You can all go and fly Stabbers or something now I guess.
This was easily the most well received balance of 2015, but CCP Fozzie wasn't done yet.
"Some have also pointed out that interceptors may be slightly overpowered in the new patch when combined with Entosis Links. To fix that, we're reducing the powergrid for all interceptors to around 5 MW. This should restrict them from fitting both a MWD and Entosis Link but keep them open to a variety of other applications.
Finally, CCP Fozzie said this on the state of capitals post 4.20 sov:
"There's been a lot of concern that capitals will be useless and underpowered after the June release. And yep they will, best sell your super to someone in Imperium I guess. If you've got a problem with that, I don't give a FUCK. My name is CCP Fozzie and I do whatever the fuck I want.
Some have questioned CCP Fozzie's mental state after footage of him challenging a model Rifter to fisticuffs emerged from CCP HQ last Thursday, but this set of balances have mostly put these fears to rest. Analysts are now casting their thoughts towards the next ship rebalance, due in Spring 2016.

Saturday, 25 April 2015

Sleepers Follow Seekers to Highsec in Search of a Better Life

Huge numbers of sleepers have been spotted across highsec, allegedly seeking asylum after years of genocide committed by wormhole dwellers.

One of the leaders of the refugees took the time to sit down with us and discuss the last six years from their perspective:
"At first we thought Apocrypha was a pretty good expansion. The guys who came through the wormholes were alright and didn't try to invade our space with POSes or anything, they just wanted to take a bit of Arkonor and C-420. We had absolutely no problem with that, we didn't even complain when they took the odd nanoribbon here and there. 
Then people slowly realised having a POS in a wormhole was a pretty decent idea and we had to live with them. We started getting pissed off when they started bringing dreadnoughts into sites. It seemed really tryhard to us and the only way we could really kill them was if they disconnected or if they were complete retards.
The final straw came when CCP added POCOs. Before we could do PI quite profitably while we were waiting to spawn into an anom and collect it through the Interbus Offices. Then the players knocked down the customs offices and built their own, with huge fuck-off tax rates. When we saw Circadian Sleepers had been peacefully living in k-space for the better part of six months, we saw potential to live the peaceful life we always dreamed of in highsec."
The sleepers have been trying to assimilate into the local populace, and large numbers have been spotted trying to do the tutorials in newbie systems. Occasionally they will try to strike up conversation with their new found colleges, with one reportedly saying "hello I am noob)))" before continuing "how to find relic site?"

Faced with the prospect of losing PVE content in their home systems, scores of wormhole corporations have followed the sleepers into highsec. JackvanDan, the proud CEO of a PVP specalised C1 wormhole corp, claimed the sleeper exodus was unfortunately timed with a preplanned corp field trip to highsec. "We had this planned for weeks mate", he assured us. "We're just seeing what its like to be a mission running corp. Honestly, it's been on my calender since last Tuesday. Our recruitment's still open though, if you've got 150mil XP and you're good at PVP just pop your application in. No API needed."

Tuesday, 14 April 2015

Dreddit Is No Longer Recruiting

Durrhurrdurr today confirmed that #57 Eve Online corporation Dreddit will be closed for recruitment after Test's Wicked Creek deployment opened his eyes to the number of sub-N3 tier alliances that have popped up post-Phoebe.

The following was posted to the Test forums today:
"Being deployed to Wicked Creek to fight the fag alliances there has made me realise that Test is becoming TOO GOOD for its own good. Every night I have flashbacks to our inhumane destruction of NOFUX and I feel like I have to do something about it. I'm closing Dreddit recruitment indefinitely to stop people in irrelevant alliances I've never heard of killing themselves because they look so bad next to us. Also if your name begins with 'h' or 'x' I've just kicked you from Dreddit, thanks for your service."
This is the first time Dreddit recruitment has been closed in its 5 year history, but most agree DurrHurrDurr was justified in capping recruitment. Test members have resorted to suiciding supercarriers under the guise of creating 'fresh dank mems' but it's believed they are actually doing this to make alliances in Wicked Creek feel better about their lives.

This news is of course overshadowed by the revelation that ex-NOFUX leader Roweena has sadly died in real life after drowning in pussy. Roweena, who won Eve Onion's Cunt of the Year 2015 award after unironically using 'poontang' in a sentence, quit Eve after his alliance was destroyed by Test to focus on 'the women in his life'. Our thoughts are with his former alliance members at this difficult time.

Credit to /u/cold_burrito for article idea who will receive 42,069,000 isk and three exotic dancers. If you have an article idea mail it to Tubug1 ingame or leave it in the comments section.

Friday, 10 April 2015

Lychton Names New BNI CEO and Transfers Power to Him

Brave's coup saga appears to be over after ousted leader Lychton Kondur transferred the leadership of BNI and other corps to his self-appointed successor, posting the following to the Brave subreddit:
"I've decided to bow to the wishes of the council and CEOs. They're right, it is time for change. In fact, it's time for a significant amount of change. I have transferred CEOship and majority shares of every corp in Brave I own to Xenuria. I know some people aren't huge fans of Xenuria, but he's different. He's... strange. I'm confident his euphoria and extensive fedora collection will allow BNI to continue its 'stay classy' principle well into the future, while his diplomatic skills and contacts will also allow the alliance to repair bridges it has accidentally burnt over the last couple of weeks.
I'm leaving you in capable hands BNI. I'd like to say a big 7o to the alliance and gf to Anna and Lquid."
The reaction of coup leaders Anna 'Cassius' Niedostepny and Lquid 'Brutus' Drisseg was recorded in their Skype channel by Draleth.
Lquid [BRAVE]: anna
Lquid [BRAVE]: Lychtons made xenuria ceo
Lquid [BRAVE]: what do we do
Anna: what a sick, devious bastard
Lquid [BRAVE]: why has he done this to us anna
Anna: I didn't think he was ruthless enough to pull off something like this
Anna: it's over, he's won
Lquid [BRAVE]: are you sure we can't we run the alliance without BNI?
Anna: we could but half the CEOs would probably rally to xenuria
Lquid [BRAVE]: so thats it?
Anna: we could drop roles but stay in the corp, then come back a few months later and work our way back up giving the occasional blowjob out along the way etc.
Draleth: ayyyy lmao
Lquid [BRAVE]: should I tell Malanek about this?
Anna: oh yeah I forgot about him, bring him up to speed
Lquid [BRAVE]: what do I do with the alliance?
Anna: change the ticker to FA.GS and give it to xenuria
Anna: call a CNM meeting so we can get a decent recording of him to post to reddit, your karma really needs a boost
Anna: then write a letter with a load of bullshit about how we're giving the alliance back for the good of Brave
Anna: make it as anti-climatic as possible so everyone will have forgotten it by next year
Lquid [BRAVE]: k
Anna: oh and before you give the alliance back kick BAERS

Xenuria is thrilled with his new position, and said he was delighted to have found an organisation that hadn't blacklisted him. Dreddit CEO Durrhurrdurr has reversed the recruitment reforms in his latest CEO update, saying this signalled a new era in Brave's history and that Test would be Brave's truest friend and staunchest ally. In other news twelve CSM members confirmed they will not be running for CSM XI.

Article idea by /u/aspaceshipinspace, who will receive 42,069,000 isk and three (3) units of tritanium. If you have an article idea mail it to Tubug1 ingame or leave it in the comments section.

Wednesday, 8 April 2015

Revolutionary CEO of Irrelevant Brave Corp Realises He's Made A Huge Mistake

Marfel Rolland, the CEO of 54-man corp The New Gallentearean Combine, has reported he is still coming to terms with the colossal fuck-up he made by backing the coup against Lychton Kondur.

He spoke to the Eve Onion about the situation.
"Anna and Lquid convinced me all of Brave's problems were being caused by having a friendly, relatable CEO at the helm of the alliance. We were told that having so many people in CNM meetings was good for getting a forty-second opinion and advice from GIA agents. I decided having a CEO who could give me a three hour erection from his voice alone wouldn't be such a bad thing. It was time for change, I thought, for me and the five other members of our corp. 
Now I've realised that having a power hungry guy who fucked up a coup last year as one of your leaders probably isn't the best idea. I remained hopeful that we could make some progress in our 4-hour long middle management meeting featuring 27 CNM members and some random guy who accidentally got dragged into the channel, but we instead discussed how to best counter the reddit metagaming of the CFC, PL, N3, Deep Core Mining Inc., Pizza, and NC.
We're also on the side of all the shit corps in Brave so that's not too good either, and we don't have the directors who wouldn't kill their dog to climb the ranks. But on the bright side we got 2 mil isk from Dertydan for giving him more shitposting material, so that's a plus I guess."
The largest corporation that voted for the removal of Lychton was Bovril Borers. When asked for comment on why they supported the coup, they told us this:
"I am playing CKII when a CNM floater is talk to me on Skype. 'Lychton is going to be kill', he says. 'Yes'"
With Brave on the edge of either a civil war or a fail cascade, Brave's shit-tier CEOs have reminded their members that the coup is for the greater good, and that the alliance will definitely be able to survive with 11,000 less members and no sov. Middle management have educated newbies on the dangers of thoughts and have urged them to stay away from reddit.

Monday, 6 April 2015

Lychton Kondur Plotting Coup #14

After being brutally ousted from leadership of Brave by his directors and corp CEOs, 12-time coup survivour Lychton Kondur has reportedly tried to regain control of the complete alliance.

He made contact with several CEOs, this one with Thrall Nation leader Coffee Rocks was leaked to reddit:
Lychton Kondur: hi
Coffee Rocks: Hey
Lychton Kondur: Help me become CEO and I'll let your corp stay in Brave for long enough for you to evac your stuff.
Coffee Rocks: Sorry Lychton I'm not interested
Coffee Rocks: I hear Dreddit are recruiting though

Lychton then tried to make contact with Malanek Askelus, his elected replacement as leader of Brave:
Lychton Kondur: Hey dude congrats on your promotion
Malanek Askelus: thanks mate, I'm sorry it was all handled a bit roughly
Lychton Kondur: No problem, I still control 11,000 members and all our sov so it's all good
Lychton Kondur: as a sign of our friendship, would you like to play a trust game?
Lychton Kondur: you make me alliance executor, then I immediately make you the executor again
Malanek Askelus: I'm alright thanks mate, I think Karmafkeet are recruiting at the moment

Shortly afterward Lychton was spotted trying to drunkenly serenade nine members of Brave in Dojo classroom C. When Malanek entered the channel and tried to persuade him to go to bed, Lychton repeatedly started saying 'et tu, MALANEK?', then started banning people with 'stupid names' from

Thursday, 2 April 2015

Drifters Learn to Imitate The Mittani After Months of Scanning Eve

After months of study it appears that Circadian Sleepers and drifters have completed their scanning of New Eden, and have integrated the behaviour of New Eden's denizens into their subroutines.

When drifters spawn in a system they will now broadcast a variety of messages in local, including "we will stab you in the heart over and over and over again until you stop moving" and "it's time to twist the knife". Many lines used when they are destroyed are also inspired by Mittani, such as "we're still winning the war" and "kill yourself".

In addition to this there's evidence that drifters have began to copy CFC tactics. If drifters fail to outnumber the enemy by at least five:one, they will immediately despawn, while if they have approximately 6 times or more the number of other ships on grid, they will multiply in number every two minutes.

Drifters have also been sighted ratting in Guristas Forsaken Hubs throughout the north. When a player enters local they will normally warp to a safe and cloak up, often leaving their drones behind, while sometimes they will continue to orbit a celestial object in the anomaly at 30km. If a neut stays in system for a prolonged period of time, they will begin to shit talk until the player leaves.

It's also been reported that the drifters in Catch seem to be 'mentally stunted' compared to their counterparts in other regions of space. In the system of AOK-WQ a drifter was spotted asking for a wormhole bookmark so he could return home, while another unsuccessfully tried to lay waste to Pandemic Legion's supercapital staging tower.

Article inspired by an idea from /u/venoma333, who will take home 42,069,000 isk and loads of space bitches. If you have an idea for an Eve Onion article, mail it to Tubrug1.

Saturday, 28 March 2015

Dabigredboat's Titan Accidentally Bridges Instead of Jumping, Causes Loss of Dominix Fleet

A most unfortunate chain of events unfolded yesterday, resulting in the loss of a CFC stratop fleet after a misclick from critically acclaimed pilot Dabigredboat caused his titan to open a bridge rather than jumping.

The incident occurred when a 200-man Dominix fleet and a couple of titans had gathered on a POS in preparation for a CTA. Five minutes before the due departure time Raegalan, the FC of the fleet, slipped off for a crafty wank, leaving the fleet unattended at the POS.

While preparing to go on a separate supercapital fleet with his titan, Dabigredboat accidentally warped to the main staging tower due to a mixup with bookmarks. He proceeded to accidentally press bridge instead of jump. In his frustration at this delay he hammered his fist down on the F1 key and activated the bridge module.

A line member in the fleet noticed the bridge effect. Due to a graphical glitch on his computer, he noticed the bridge was emitting a strange green glow, in contrast to the usual blue. "The bridge is green", he said, which caused the most of the fleet to take the bridge and jump onto a hostile deathstar POS.

With the CFC's super fleet split up through the system simultaneously reinforcing multiple POSes, the Dominixes found themselves alone, unsupported and leaderless. They followed the standard routine of dropping drones and waiting for primaries, but the primaries never came. After 20 seconds panic began to overcome the fleet. A young skirmish FC stepped up and told the fleet to warp off, but the fleet was now bubbled by two Sabres who had been sitting inside the forcefield.

Chaos reined in mumble. The POS batteries were now being manned and were systematically shooting and destroying Dominixes. Some Goonswarm members took advantage of the anarchy and turned their drones on members of FCON and FA. The Bastion drew on their expertise as a rapid deployment alliance to rapidly deploy into pods, and SMA lost hope and self-destructed their ships.

Two Dominixes who thought to use their microjumpdrives were the only ones to escape the massacre. On eventually returning to his computer, Reagalan asked where the fleet had gone. After being told what had happened, he closed Mumble and logged off without saying a word, and has still not been seen.

Fortunately for the CFC the objective was still taken; BRAVE were hired by N3 for three million isk but got lost on their way to the system, while N3 and BL continued their work towards a research paper on the differences between the four Captain's Quarters.

Wednesday, 25 March 2015

Bastion Member Kicked for Being 'Too Happy' on Stratop

Unconfirmed rumours today stated that a member of the Bastion, the CFC's prized elite rapid-deployment force, was removed from the coalition when he appeared to be too euphoric on a CFC stratop.

After removing an SBU in Fountain, the anonymous member reportedly said 'so proud of you mates, you're doing gods work keep it up' on Mumble, barely able to contain his joy at adding another structure to his killboard. Coalition kingpin Mister Vee then noted the name of the misguided, elite PVP loving fanatic.

Vee passed on this information to Valiant and Noble Defender of the CFC Digi, who performed counterintelligence work on the renegade. After spending 19 hours on the case he passed on his findings to Bastion leader Carneros. With a tip of his fedora and a 'm'lady' to Goonwarm leadership, the rogue member was gone.

Later in the day The Mittani revealed he was personally insulted by the lack of effort put into invading Fountain, and talked of his urge 'twist the knife' in someone. He later expanded on this a little more, saying "Just to be clear: this time we're not going to stab them in the heart over and over again until they stop moving; we're just aiming to cut the index finger off N3's left hand, then maybe we'll give that to Pizza."

Meanwhile in N3 DARKNESS. and The Kadeshi members have been advised to train Advanced Docking to a minimum of level 3 and preferably to level 5 in preparation for the war. The leaders of said alliances have reportedly been spotted lying down by the side of the road in a bid to make it as difficult as possible for them to be thrown under an approaching bus.