Sunday, 31 January 2016

CCP Declares Plot to Stop Sion Kumitomo Running for CSM XI Has Been a Great Success

The intrigue of CSMGate#72 has deepened after it emerged that CCP had been working to depose Sion from the CSM ever since he announced he was running for it.

An anonymous CCP source told the Eve Onion that this scheme had been in the works for quite some time.
"Earlier this year we asked Jeff Edwards if he'd like to write a book on Eve. Naturally he accepted, but we told him we're pretty shit at businesses and told him he should do it for The Mittani's website. We knew mittens see the opportunity to make money and accept it, and we also knew that he would manage to fuck up the Kickstarter so it didn't get funded, which would prompt Sion to throw a few fits and become hated by the player base. Now we could exclude TMC executives from running by rightly pointing out they are a business and may have a conflict of interest. Voila, we won't have to deal with Sion next year."
This isn't the first time an intricate scheme has been worked out to overthrow a CSM though.
"Back in 2012 we were faced with the prospect of having mittens on the CSM for yet another year, and that's not something anyone wants. Just before the alliance presentation started I handed him some vodka and told him 'if you drink this you'll get bare keks out of the audience.'  He took my advice and told someone to kill himself. Absolutely shameful behaviour. We had no choice but to remove him from the CSM after that."
We were assured that CCP are hard at work to find a way to dispose of Xenuria. Allegedly it's such high priority that every staff member at Rejavik is working on it, pushing back the release of Citadels by at least two months. Most players have accepted the delay is reasonable.

Credit to Niden for the article idea, his wallet will be enriched by 42,000,069 isk. If you would also like your wallet to be enriched and you have an idea for an article, send it to Tubrug1.

Sunday, 24 January 2016

/r/eve Reader Contracts AIDS, Hepatitis C and Ebola From Badpost

The Eve subreddit has been placed under quarantine after an innocent bystander was hospitalised due to coming into contact with what bystanders described as a 'truly horrific post'.

It's believed notorious /r/eve denizen Derty Dan was responsible for the offending literature. Fortunately Gorksi Car happened to stumble upon the thread while on active mod duty and was able to remove the dangerous comment before it could do any more damage. Gorski suffered only minor injuries, caused by his head dropping onto his desk.

Sion Kumitomo was quick to again point out the danger /r/eve posed to the health of the game.. Speaking to the Eve Onion, he said "High calibre authors will look at this and think 'wow these faggots can't post for shit'. No one will want to deal with 'that shitposting community.' This will deprive Eve of new players and it will die."

Derty, who came close to scooping /r/eve 2015 poster of the year award, was reported to be distraught after he heard the news. It's rumoured he has gone into a self-imposed exile in which he plans travel around the world to meet the finest posters bestowed upon the human race. Doctors caring for the anonymous victim have tried to reverse the damage by exposing him to /r/evedreddit. However, this has only made his condition worse.

Wednesday, 20 January 2016

Highsec CSM Candidate Admits He Knows Fuck All About Eve

The Eve community was in shock yesterday after one CSM candidate who has never entered a lowsec system confessed his knowledge of the game did not extend beyond the ability to lock targets, activate modules, warp around and dock.

Nico Zeuron commanded the support of three small highsec mining corps, with a combined total of eleven members. He had been assured he would at least be #4 on the ballots of two of these corps, before these disturbing new allegations came to light. Nico had assured his followers that he was a PVP veteran. "I once killed a suspect Thrasher on the undock in Jita. That's a Gallente battlecruiser", he clarified. "Chat shit get banged, that's my motto".

Zeuron's platform had been based around implementing an 'offline mode' to Eve so 'psychopaths cant go around killing peacful [sic] people', as well as significantly boosting yields to highsec ores. He then came unstuck when prospective voters started asking questions. The budding miner turned to a close friend to decipher terminology he was unfamiliar with, such as 'wardecs' and 'lowsec'.

It quickly became apparent that the Zeuron actually had the same level of Eve knowledge as a three hour old player. He later admitted he had not yet entered a system with a security lower than 0.8, saying he was scared James 315 himself would be waiting for him on the other side. We tried to contact Nico to clarify his side of the story but he had auto-reject on and his CSPA set to 1mil isk.