Thursday, 31 March 2016

CCP Fozzie Announces Reddit Karma Will Form Part of ADM

World War Bee has allowed us to finely analyse the strengths and weaknesses of the new Aegis sov system. In an attempt to make his own design better, CCP Fozzie posted the following today:
"The shitposts on /r/eve are tolerable but the badposts aren't and now everyone's at war they're getting worse. Every time I see one I want to leave the office, get in my car and drive straight into Eyjafjallajökull. Therefore to act as an incentive to good posting, we're going to be replacing the military ADM index with a 'posting' index. The bonus will be alliance wide rather than per system and will be based on per capita karma earned by members in the last seven days. We're still working on the numbers required for each level but we should have it sorted out before the citadel release."
The change will be a boon to many of the good guys, who have a solid complement of posters and /r/eve veterans. Sadly posting talent is much rarer in the CFC, many members of which couldn't compose a good post even if threatened with a badger about to crawl through their anus and ravage their rectum.

HABIT CEO Elise Randolph has been calling for a zero-tolerance policy on badposting for some time, and was pleased that these changes went at least some way to stopping the epidemic. We tried to reach out to a CFC member for his perspective, but he informed us he would have to wait till he was told what to think about it on the Metashow.

Wednesday, 30 March 2016

CFC Member Doxxed For Exposing Secret List of Coalition Alliances

A pilot belonging to FCON was doxxed and subsequently kicked today after he leaked the confidential list of members of the CFC to Reddit.

After posting information already publicly available, the anonymous line member was shocked to be messaged an hour later being accused of 'treason against the Imperial forces of VFK'. He was told that 'talking about who are allies are is a big no no because it means our enemies will target us if it means getting an advantage.'

Many were surprised to see that RAZOR Alliance was on the list of alliances allied to Goonswarm, perhaps the biggest takeaway from these leaks. RAZOR were reported missing several weeks ago, several hours after downing significant quantities of whiskey, and have not been found to this day. Nonetheless it can be assumed they will assist Goonswarm should they ever reemerge.

FCON were 'most apologetic' for the irresponsible and quite frankly reckless behaviour of their members, and have agreed to hand over all of their R64's to Goonswarm to make amends. Now, however, the identities of the eight alliances that make up the CFC have been exposed, possibly causing a significant blow to the Imperium war effort. 

Tuesday, 29 March 2016

The Mittani Successfully Evades Tree Plotting to Fall on him

Imperium leader The Mittani said he was 'lucky to be alive' today after he had a near death encounter with a tree near his home in Madison, Wisconsin.

According to GIA intelligence the tree, a 200-year old Pine, had been plotting to bait Mittani into coming near it when he was walking to his weekly LARPing session. It then intended to ambush him once he was close enough. This persuaded him to take another route, sadly resulting in him being mugged.

However he maintained that the outcome was preferable to being baited out by the tree. 'I'm so glad I wasn't stupid enough to walk past that tree', he told Eve Onion. 'We've known there was something dodgy going on there since last Thursday. Also that tree's morale is probably pretty low right now, I've just managed to foil its ~grand plan~. That's the whole reason it's here, and I didn't give it what it wanted.'

The episode has been recorded as yet another victory for the Imperium. The tree was not available for comment.

Credit to Lucia Denniard for article idea.

Monday, 28 March 2016

Imperium Alliances Celebrate Annual 'Supreme Leader's Day'

A public holiday dedicated to The Mittani is being observed by members of the Imperium today. March 28, or the 'Day of the Sun', as it is known in the North of nullsec, gives Imperium members a chance to thank their leader for his blessings.

Loyal comrades in LAWN and Bastion were among the most grateful this year. 'We are so happy that The Mittani freed us from the burden of sov' said one LAWN member, shortly after placing flowers outside VFK. 'Now we have the opportunity to prove our loyalty by defending His space rather than our own.'

In his annual Day of the Sun address, Mittani attacked the 'great infidel Saladin-al-Fozzie' for his efforts to undermine the security of his loyal people through his rework of sov. He assured his followers the foe besieging the North could be repelled as long as 'we stay true to each other and you stay true to me'. The audience burst into applause, and thanked The Mittani for taking the time to grace them with his presence.

An SMA member who failed to remember the occasion was found mining in a belt. Outraged by his lack of respect for their dear leader, his corp turned him over to Goonswarm and he was subsequently doxxed repeatedly.

Thursday, 24 March 2016

gigx Self-Destructs CO2 After Crushing Defeat

The elite Imperium alliance known as 'Circle of Two' has sadly folded after its leader initiated a self-destruct command on the organisation.

Shortly after losing another battle in Vale, gigx told his members he was about to do what should have been done two years ago. Moments afterwards, all members of the alliance received a notification telling them 'gigx has initiated self-destruct of their alliance, it will explode in 120 seconds.'

There have been growing cries among SMA's nineteen active members for their leadership to also pull the plug on their alliance to avoid being humiliated any further by Test's memes. Sadly, none of their leaders have been seen in several days and are unable to respond to their line member's requests. They have, however, managed to learn some tactics from CO2, and a fleet successfully self-destructed their Tengu's after an encounter with a Pandemic Horde interceptor.

Goonswarm leadership are believed to be 'upset' the size of their zoo had once again diminished, but reminded their valued allies Asher is always on call to bail them out.