Saturday, 26 July 2014

Top CFC FC Fired for Suggesting a Sov War with N3

One of Goonswarm Federation's highest ranking FCs was booted from the alliance today after suggesting the coalition actually engaged N3 in an 'consequential' and 'enjoyable' war.

The Mittani was rumoured to be outraged when he heard the deviant FC's suggestion of a dual pronged attack on BoT in the north and NA in the south, and sought to re-educate the player. "Do you have any idea how nullsec works!? Why would we violate BOTLRD? Why is the enjoyment and fun of our 40,000 members and the health of the game more important than the continued existence of my spacetribe? Why would I actually solve nullsec stagnation by SBUing Paragon Soul when me and Endie could write columns about it while pissing off thousands of pubbies?" For thirty minutes The Mittani gave a list of reasons as to why the CFC would not be going to war, before telling the FC to 'go to wormhole space or something if you want to use your dread against other players.'

In just weeks prior to this N3 had a similar dispute, in which a INK FC tried to start a fun and meaningful fight by SBUing and taking a BRAVE system. He was quickly tugged back by progodlegend after he heard of this, where he was informed of the importance of not losing money which could've been spent on the construction of titans. "We have the Great Catch/Providence Game Reserve here for a reason, it exists so we can entertain ourselves without having to fight the CFC and their thousands of megathrons. If we piss them off they'll stop fighting us and we won't have anyone to shoot for the next two years while we build enough titans to win victory against the CFC."

Meanwhile CCP's best minds are hard at work at work in Reykjavik as they frantically try to work out why the PCU count is at its lowest level in six years. Someone looking through the window of CCP's office reported seeing CCP Fozzie, CCP Rise, and CCP Seagull fashioning objects out of lego in a boardroom for several hours, sitting next to a flipboard labelled 'MOBIEL STRUCTURES'. Eventually Rise assembled a structure that looked somewhat like a satellite dish. He delivered it to Fozzie for approval, who shook his head and crushed it in his hand.

There was brighter news on the horizon for Eve though as its main competitor Star Citizen announced its ambitious new $100,000,000 stretch goal - putting a man on the moon using a functional model of the Aurora, one of the largest ships in the 'game'. It still seems nullsec and CCP have plenty of time to correct nullsec.

Sunday, 20 July 2014

The Eve Onion Guide to Alliance Tournament XII Teams

With the alliance tournament drawing ever closer it's about time we assessed this year's field. Obviously no one's heard of half of the 64 teams competing this year, but it can be hard to tell whether the remaining alliances are bad, full of shitlords or somewhat decent. Fortunately the Eve Onion is here to give you the lowdown on the most relevant teams participating in ATXII.

Oh no wait, Matias forgot to fill out the form, top kek.

Many expect CODE., the official alliance of James 315's New Order, to go quite far in the tournament. While they obviously can't PVP, their tactic of torturing the opposition before matches should make up for this. With Chief Spaceship Detective Ripard Teg gone, it's believed Erotica 1 will be the cornerstone of the team, using alts to torment players of the opposition before games.

In a desperate attempt to remind people they still exist, Eve's least glamorous alliance will be entering the alliance tournament yet again this year. It's rumoured they petitioned to have the ship destruction boundary removed so they could warp their ships away due to their lack of funds, only to be told to man up by CCP Fozzie.

Erm... did anyone tell FCON the Alliance Tournament involves fighting players rather than NPCs? Well at least they can't lose any titans in CCP space, and it shouldn't be too taxing to put 12 people in a fleet.


Also tryhards.

I've never seen these guys on TQ but godamn they have a good name. Take note people, this is how you name an alliance.

No one's going to take you seriously if your alliance name is an innuendo. 

Thanks to their recent deployment to Vale where they have lost 15 capitals over two fights, many have labelled Nulli the new FCON. Due to this and the recent split which resulted in corporations leaving to form a FW alliance, many are doubting whether Nulli will still be alive at the time of the tournament. 

Not content with causing the COMPLETE STAGNATION of nullsec thanks to the BOTLRD accord, Pathetic Legion now want to go and ruin the Alliance Tournament for everyone else. If you support PL you are, in fact, a dick.

These guys should have plenty of time to practice after being camped in stations by the CFC on a regular basis, however it's not clear whether PASTA will have enough actual people to participate in the tournament due to their number of alts.

Sadly RAZOR will not be able to outnumber the enemy 5:1, allegedly the threshold required for the CFC to engage, and so many expect them to do poorly despite being the least retarded CFC alliance in the tournament. 

Test have already exceeded expectations for this Alliance Tournament by being able to afford the 5 PLEX entry fee, rumoured to have been donated by Gevlon Goblin. There's no pressure on them to go any further.

Here we have the polar opposite of the Ministry of Inappropriate Footwork, with the worst alliance name I have ever seen. 'The Nameless Alliance' is a name you fucking idiots.

Apparently these guys are in N3, and are best known for their recent ploy on a BRAVE system which resulted in them being shat on. Fairly irrelevant before this move.

Tuesday, 8 July 2014

Carebear Explains the Main Problems With Eve Online

The statement that "Eve is dying" is one that you will consistently hear echoed within the corp chats of some of the most reputable NPC corporations around. These people log on every day with the specific intention of perpetuating statements such as "this game really needs to change to keep people subbed" and "y should i pay for this game if it takes ages to get anywhere" In order to further understand these concerns the Eve Onion interviewed a resident of these corp chats and self-proclaimed carebear who wishes to be referred to as "Ursaviour123" for reasons specified as "no-life scammers and trolls."

So Ursavior123, what do you think is the main problem with Eve Online currently?

"The main problem is all these nerds living in their moms basements going around ruining peoples fun. I can't even mine in peace without some idiot showing up and demanding fees for some "licence" or whatever, hell it's not just mining, my buddy told me about a time where he loaded up the five PLEX he made station trading into his Bestower and a bunch of guys just flew up in Catalysts and killed him.... IN HIGHSEC... isn't the whole point of highsec to be a place where no pvp is allowed? CCP really needs to crack down on this exploitative behavior.

What do you think can be done to solve this issue?

"There needs to be more systems put in place to protect honest players like me from the obvious abuse that comes from these losers, if you look at successful games like World of Warcraft you see that Blizzard took the sensible option of not tolerating scamming or trolling within the game, in mainstream MMO's infiltrating a group with the intent of stealing all of their hard earned stuff would get you banned, but in Eve they encourage it.. even putting it in their advertising!!... This design philosophy is innately flawed and punishes the legit players while allowing the trolls and sociopaths to flourish."

What sort of systems do you propose?

"PvP needs to be completely banned in highsec space, all ships should have a permanent CONCORD killswitch so that they moment they perform an aggressive action against another player their ship immediately blows up and they are fined twice the value of the target ship, that way highsec will finally be working as intended as a PvP free zone where people can actually play the game properly instead of going around ruining other peoples days. Ship collision should be removed too, they should just clip through each other, that way it's impossible for people to extort my miner by bumping me out of range and demanding ludicrous fees, it takes me two hours of mining in my venture to make ten million isk... why should I pay it to them just to keep playing the game how I want to? Trolling and scamming should be banned too, there should be serious punishments for anyone who is mean to another player with a "report for abuse" button being placed beside everyone in local chat.

What punishments are we talking here?

"Scamming should lead to an instant ban, if you trick someone into giving you their isk or other assets it's clear that you're a toxic player who doesn't belong within a respectable MMO community, the punishment for trolling should be more severe though, if you're reported for abuse enough times CCP should notify your local police force to have you arrested.. sort of like a real life CONCORD.

Isn't that a bit harsh, after all... it's only a game?

"It doesn't matter if it's just in a game.. abuse is abuse, I genuinely felt like crying after my venture got blown up for refusing to pay extortion fees, I tried to explain how horrible the gankers were and how they were the cancer that is plaguing eve but they just started laughing. There's only one language these thugs speak so we need to teach them a lesson to stop their bullying."

Well it's been a pleasure talking with you, have you any closing suggestions or comments?

"Yes, CCP really needs to make a separate PvE server for all the honest players to go to. In the server every system should have a high security status and no combat with other players would be permitted, that way we could all have a fun time without lame trolls constantly ruining the game."

Ursaviour123 is just one of thousands who struggle to survive in highsec. While nullsec players repeatedly debate the merits of power projection and stagnation, carebears also face very challenging problems as described here. Nullsec dwellers must remember the reality of the hardship faced by those on the other side of the galaxy.