Wednesday, 29 January 2014

Grath Telkin's Head Explodes After B-R5RB

Notorious angry fleet commander Grath Telkin was lucky to escape with his life yesterday when his head literally exploded after his alliance lost dozens of supercapitals in Eve's largest ever battle.

The incident kicked off when the first Pandemic Legion titan went down. Fleet members report Grath being unspeakably angry; he was unable to even form a coherent sentence. Things were made severely worse when another 58 titans belonging to his coalition also met their deaths. On top of all this, someone in fleet then claimed they were set up by CCP to promote publicity for Eve Online.

At this point a large explosion was heard on mumble. Fellow PL FC Makalu drove to Grath's house to check he was okay.
"Part of his skull had detatched itself from his head but I placed that where it should have been, it kind of felt like doing one of those 3D jigsaw puzzles. His brain was still intact so I don't think any harm was done there. Then he woke up, told me he 'wanted every dead motherfucker out of the alliance', and tried to insert his microphone into my rectum. He seemed like his usual self to me but I took him to hospital just to be on the safe side."
Grath reportedly suffered from some amnesia, asking if JEFFRAIDER's alt JEFFTHECHEF was a bad person that was going to cook him, but he recovered and remembered the cause of this unusually severe hypertension within a few hours. Grath agreed to speak with me in exchange for a small donation to #AGMARMONEYTEAM.
"I want to make it clear I have seen retarded before, but until tonight I had never seen fucking retarded. I experienced a fucking new level of fucking stupid retardation. I don't even expect a Brave Newbie to be that stupid. Still, it's made me realise that I should stop getting so angry over this game. But I just can't help it when there are so many shitlords in my fucking alliance."
Grath's colleague Shadoo had a reaction that was the polar opposite of his, claiming this defeat was 'long overdue' and he'd been praying for this defeat to happen for several years. Nulli members were asked for comment, but none were available as they had been crushed to death by Lazarus Telraven's throbbing erect penis.

Thursday, 16 January 2014

Icelandic Police Raid CCP's Headquarters After Reports Of Heavy Drug Use

CCP received an unexpected call from the police yesterday after dozens of concerned Eve players attributed the number of borderline-awful ideas coming from the building to drug intake by CCP employees.

The first evidence that CCP were abusing various substances came with the release of the Encounter Surveillance System, also known as the Extra Stupid Structure. This caused outcry among the ratting members of the community, who claimed that only someone who was 'stoned as shit' or 'thoroughly evil' would be capable of making unleashing such a poorly thought out feature. This was then supported by the module changes in the wake of the overheating overhaul, which nerfed both Omegafleet and Wrecking Ball, annoying 90% of nullsec.

The police reported CCP employees seemed 'extremely happy' after their door was destroyed and a few windows smashed. One member of CCP asked the lead officer if he'd care for a cup of tea, while simultaneously stroking a sniffer dog, saying 'good doggy'. A large penis, complete with two testicles, had been drawn on one of the walls in immaculate detail. The two-metre long piece of art was signed by 'CCP Nullabor' in the bottom left-hand corner. More worryingly though, CCP staff then began to tell the police about the upcoming expansion. One of these men happened to be an Eve player, and told the Eve Onion what he saw.
"Fozzie approached me first and started saying 'grrr goons' and ''fuck N3' repeatedly, occasionally saying 'inter-cept-oorrr'. Then some people from Team Super Friends started asking me if I had any good ideas for more mobile strucutres.. Some dude was flying a Rifter-USB hub around like a five year old, complete with sound effects he was making. Then Hillmar appeared in all his glory, with a horned helmet on his head and a trident in his hand, and he shouted 'WE ATE IT ALL.' I'm not sure if he was referring to the player base's hopes and dreams or drugs."
Fortunately, no illicit substances were found at CCP's headquarters. However, there were some arrests made that night. A nullsec citizen pointed out that everyone who thinks the ESS is a good idea must be sitting on a mountain of crack. Sure enough, a person who claimed ratting in nullsec was safer than ratting in highsec was found spinning on the floor after a fruitless attempt to lick his own anus.

It seems this was just a normal day at the CCP office and there was no misdoing by any staff. "Of course we weren't high", claimed Hellmar. "Last time we tried doing that, we ended up with Incarna." Several people have since reported CCP were heavily into drugs during Summer 2011. "I couldn't go through a single meeting with them without hearing them chop lines on the Skype call" says former CSM chairman The Mittani, who wishes to remain anonymous.  

Friday, 10 January 2014

PLEX Launcher to be Added in Rubicon 1.1 Update

A ground-breaking new module was announced by CCP Fozzie today, which allows players to shoot Pilot Licence Extensions at other players in a similar, cosmetic fashion to snowballs and fireworks. CCP have hinted this is just one of many 'highly useful and profitable' updates coming to the game.

The logic behind the post was outlined by CCP Fozzie:
"As you know we currently have a launcher in game which shoots things such as fireworks and snowballs at people passing by, causing absolutely no damage but looking pretty god damn good. Someone pointed out that we didn't have this in place for other commodities such as PLEX, so we decided we'd put this nifty little module in for Rubicon 1.1. 
The PLEX Launcher can hold up to five PLEXes with a cycle time of two seconds - which is of course affected by your skill - and a reload time of five seconds. People may be skeptical of this module, but next time you put some PLEXes in your cargohold and undock, ask yourself this question: would you rather give the pirate your PLEX when you inevitably get ganked or shoot it at him and see some awesome effects?"
The move has proven controversial, as can be seen by the responses in the forum thread. Notorious bad poster blue dehazon added his constructive input to the thread:
"wow, anoher change to benfit pirat. ccp needs to learn the majority of people locted in hghsec. this just gives more power to pirat. what next, we going to have corpse launcher so pirat can launch our corpse? that will give them more reasons to pod us. im going to donate all my isk to gevlon goblin so he can fite pirat then leave game"
Around three minutes after the post was linked in the SOMER Blink channe; all PLEX on the market of major trade hubs disappeared, and buy orders for a staggeringly high amount of escrow were set up. A SOMER spokesperson claimed that Somerset Mahm was behind the manipulation, releasing an official statement on his behalf: "I shall throw money at you, peasants! Money that you cannot pick up! It will be highly amusing!"

Others though this was another case of CCP pandering to stupid people. Self-proclaimed intelligent person Mayhistaaaa replied to the thread:
"I know what's really happened at CCP's so called 'offices'. Some dude who lost PLEX filled out that questionnaire you get when you unsub and said if he knew that were going to happen he would've shot it at the guy instead. What's more, I've got evidence that the guy who did that was CCP Hellmar - he tricked his own staff into developing something that would make more money from lost PLEX."
Players have generally agreed this is still the best feature that has been implemented in Rubicon so far. Many are now pushing for an Archon disintegrator which instantly obliterates all carriers on grid and their pods.

Wednesday, 8 January 2014

CCP Hints No One Gives a Fuck About Faction Warfare

After years of neglect from EVE journalists and some benign scorn from nullsec alliances CCP has confirmed what we've all been wondering. CCP DickNose gave Eve Onion this exclusive interview while LP farming:

First of all, it’s called god damn Factional Warfare! Anyway, we've been just crushed with work trying to get those CSM8 meeting minutes together so we thought we’d give Factional Warfare a bit of attention since it’s been quiet on that front for a while: Nobody gives a fuck about it. There. We said it. Plus, we’re kinda busy dangling a carrot in front of L4 runners and then bludgeoning them with the throbbing erection of hi-sec gankers.

Here’s some behind the scenes info. At first we were like, ‘Yeah, I think we found a great place for old null alliances to go to die.’ But then we saw the potential to further popularize the first person shooting juggernaut known as DUST and we couldn't resist. We worked tirelessly to integrate EVE and DUST into one seamless universe. In DUST, you and your team muddle through some gameplay and take over some sector, or area, or base or something. Then, in EVE, there’s a planet icon with a percentage underneath it that changes how much a white bar fills in your HUD. That's some revolutionary cross-genre shit right there!"

At this point in the discussion CCP DickNose noticed an Atron on short outside his novice complex and promptly warped to a safe. He wisely fitted every available low slot with a warp stab and didn't bother bringing any drones or weapons – but you never can be too careful…
"Whoa that was close. Anyway, while we’re pleased to see that Caldari/Gallente space is nothing but an ATM for some of the *cough* null alliances, we’re equally amused to stroll through Amarr/Minmatar space where literally nothing ever happens. It’s an impressive feat, I think, to so accurately model the vast nothingness of space like we did in Amarr/Minmatar lo-sec."
My conversation with CCP DickNose continued for some time. At one point in the conversation he idled at a gate in 1.0 space where he was blapped unceremoniously by a war target. “Damn you, CONCORD!!” he cried whilst vigorously squeezing his empty Mountain Dew bottle. “I had a shitload of tags from Destroyer rats!”

Looking defeated, he concluded our interview with a sigh of relief saying “I can’t wait until the next expansion comes out and we ban PVP in hi-sec. Undocking a faction-fit Rifter with 10 PLEXes in the hold free of worry is every capsuleer’s God-given right.”

Saturday, 4 January 2014

Hisec Nidhoggur Loss Ruled Suicide

A Nidhoggur was recently killed in Amarr by capsuleer Billy Hardcore  on the 23rd December. Hisec capitals, rare exceptions to a mechanic which has stood since 2007, are heavily constrained by GM-set rules on what they can do. In this case, it was not lasers, bombs, nor even raw cunning that sealed the ship’s fate: it was simply bullied to death by various capsuleers in local.

This reporter spoke to several of those involved in the fall of the ship. One random local denizen said, “It was hilarious. I called him a ‘Minmatard’ and he broke down and started crying. His space-tears were delicious.” Another, one of those in the cap chain which supported Mr. Hardcore, responded differently, “It was really funny until one of the guys in the cap chain shot [the carrier] and got us all Concordokken’d.” Speaking to killer, he was proud of the accomplishment. “These hisec capitals, they’re abominations” said Mr. Hardcore, “I think he accepted the duel after I called his ship a ‘nidder’, which is perfectly accurate. Those dirty Minmatar should know not to fly their trash in glorious Amarr space.”

I was lucky enough to get ahold of Chribba, meeting him in his office. After snorting a mountain of Veldspar dust in a way that was remarkably similar to the infamous cocaine scene in Scarface, he spoke to me:
“These... scrubs who are losing capitals in Hisec. I give them the option to join the glorious Veldfleet, and they refuse. What do they expect? To use capitals with impunity in MY SYSTEM? They are fools. I promise to crush all those who dare go up against the mighty Veldfleet!”
There is no word from CCP as to whether the tactic of bullying targets to death will be reevaluated and - given Eve’s reputation - there likely will be no changes in the future. In other news, players with expensive ships and clumsy fingers are urged to check the option to “automatically refuse duel requests” to prevent embarrassing lossmails.

Thursday, 2 January 2014

Mobile Tractor Unit Turns on Owner and Violently Beats Him to Death

Highsec carebear Melvin Earl received a nasty surprise today when a Mobile Tractor Unit turned on him, destroying both his Rattlesnake and Tengu. This is an escalation of shenanigans involving Mobile Tractor Units which have come to light in the past few days.

It's believed Melvin's collection of Mobile Tractor Units were disgusted by his bad posting on the Eve Online forums, and waited for their chance to kill him. The opportunity arose when Melvin started his daily mission running in Osmon. He began to notice something was wrong when three of his missile launchers disappeared from his ship. He returned to the station to refit the Dread Guristas Torpedo Launchers, only to have them disappear again after several minutes.

At this point Melvin started to Fraps his activities. After all, modules don't simply disappear into thin air. 10 minutes went by and all his modules were still there. Breathing a sigh of relief, he got on with his mission. Suddenly the Rattlesnake's tank had started to fail. Its pilot remained unaware of this as he had gone AFK and left his drones behind to do his work for him. He returned to his keyboard at the last minute as the Rattlesnake entered armour. "Why is this happen!" he shouted in local. He looked to the right of his HUD, and saw his Caldari Navy Invulnerability Fields were no longer there.

Sadly the Rattlesnake could not be saved. When the lossmail was opened Melvin noticed there were no midslots save for two Shield Boost Amplifiers. Melvin immediately petitioned this and whined in local. He then boarded his Tengu to finish the mission off. Having smote the rats in the name of the Sisters of Eve, he looked to see what goodies his Mobile Tractor Unit had collected for him. He looked in the structure's cargobay and saw the modules that should have been in his Rattlesnake's midslots.

He sent his petition in at once under the 'stuck' category; this was clearly some kind of Goon magic. By the time he had finished writing his carefully thought out petition he returned to the game to find his Tengu had been stripped naked of modules. A block of red was creeping from the right of the hull bar to the left, despite him having no shield or armour damage, with a visual red beam running from the Mobile Tractor Unit to his ship.

Then he was in a pod. He looked in the Mobile Tractor Unit to find a Tengu hull, five subsystems and the ship's modules. It was time to write a new petition, one greater and more persuasive than ever before. Melvin kindly shared the text with us:

"Hello CCP, I am writing to complain about your massively multiplied online game eve online. Today I was running missions as normal when my rattlesnake was destroyed because my tractor took my tanking modules. Someone is behind this, possibly the mittani or some other goon, but probably the mittani. I heard dabigblueboat can also hack shit so could you please check him as well. Im going to tell everyone I see in your stupid game to play WoW because its better than this shit. Also, im going to have to make another forum post warning people about how shit goons are, could you please tell the police to arrest them."

This is only the second recorded incident of a mobile structure killing the person who dropped it, the first being a Small Mobile Siphon Unit which was dropped in Providence and tried to run away to richer areas of space.