Wednesday, 30 October 2013

Carebears Demand Right to be Euthanised

There was a rare display of unity across highsec yesterday as thousands of carebears agreed they should be given the right to end their own lives. They gathered in spirit across New Eden and began spamming local with a variety of non-existant words, even putting forth a CSM member for the first time in recent years.

The protests kicked off at 16:31 on Tuesday 29th October, when a miner named Jennifer en Marland commented in local "mining is so boring why cant I just kill my character". This was echoed by several other Hulks in the 0.6 security system with calls such as "yeah, why cant we just kill ourselves" and "CCP should add a feature that lets you kill your character, maybe call it 'biomassing' or something". The Anti-Ganking channel acted as a catalyst for the carebears, who began chanting in local "BIOMASS BIOMASS BIOMASS".

People who told the carebears such a feature already existed were violently struck down and told they should biomass themselves when they won the right to euthanasia. CCP has already taken notice of their sudden change of stance; Icelandic players reported seeing CCP staff who had collapsed from laughter being taken to hospital on the local news. At 20:44 alexhunter seyah emerged as highsec's latest CSM candidate, saying in Amarr local "I will run to CSM". Around an hour later a forum post from him appeared in the Price Checks subforum before being moved helpfully moved to Jita Park Speaker's Corner. The post is reproduced for the convenience below:
"my name is alexhunter seyah and I want the right to kill myself. To long have us highsec miners, mision runners and incursion joggers suffered boring and mundane lives. with some kind of mechanic to let us die we can safely quit eve without anyone searching our characters and thinking 'wow, that guy was a faliure'. wel'l also be safe in the knowledge no goon will ever hack our accounts and steal our mining barges because there will be no more mining barges. Future carebears will forever admire the people who ensured they could run away from a game they were bad at. as an sign of goodwill I will hug the Mittani at fanfest if someone tells me where it is. Please note that as soon as we win suicide I will suicide and not be CSM anymore." 
 James 315 said he was most most perplexed by the change in the attitude of carebears, but in a 16794 word TMC article he concluded it would be good for the game. "The cancer of Eve will be cured" he noted. "Long gone will be the days of people autopiloting their Exhumers through nullsec then whining when they get killed. No longer will every Eve player be subject to their complete stupidity and ignorance that is more physiologically damaging than your brain mangled with a coat hanger. We shall be free." The Saviour of Highsec also gently encouraged biomassing miners to donate their funds to the New Order so they would be remembered as slightly less of a failure - which has allegedly had limited success already.

Miniluv was said to be in chaos after the carebear riots. "It doesn't make any sense... THE WORLD'S GONE WRONG HELP GOD" said one ganker before going offline for several hours. It does pose a danger to the success of future ice interdictions - as they fundamentally can't work if there's no ice to interdict. Many nullsec alliances turned to shooting nullbears and renters, who upon hearing the call of their brethren began to migrate to highsec. One bewildered player almost accidentally self-destructed his freighter when he saw the constant stream of Tengus passing him. "It was fucking terrifying, they were everywhere."

With alexhunter seyah's support, carebears across Eve could finally get the right to put their characters down after suffering years of agony. In the meantime society in Eve has completely broken down; combined with other recent events such as Goonswarm complaining about a griefing mechanic, some now believe the real Eve has been stolen by the CIA and replaced with a fake version. Many players remain confused and worried.

Friday, 11 October 2013

CFC Joins Gallente Factional Warfare

Following Test's surprise move to the Caldari militia after their Curse deployment turned sour, the CFC have also announced they will be joining faction war - but on the other side. While Goons remain adamant they moved because of the reasons outlined in the State of the Goonion, spectators have suggested that due to the timing and circumstances of the move, the CFC have done this to deliver the death blow to Test.

The Mittani announced the State of the Goonion just one hour before it began. He outlined the reasons for the move in a short speech:

Welcome to our fellow Goons, our CFC coalition partners, our renters, our temporary allies of convenience, our renters and even to Test - thank you for coming today. I’ll keep it brief. 
My people, Rubicon will come - and it will leave us destitute. 
For the past few weeks our coalition has become accustomed to a lifestyle that is the envy of EVE. Due to renters and sound fiscal management, we have been able to fund a peacetime reimbursement system, carrier giveaways, and galaxy-changing events like Burn Jita and the Ice Interdictions. But now that has all changed. 
Rubicon will strip the value of our renters. Why? They have left for Osmon. No longer is the Vale of the Silent desirable for a pubbie, converting LP to SoE ships promises to deliver a far greater income. Our finance team - the best in the game - tells me that in order for us to uphold our social programs, we must find a way to make obscene amounts of money with little effort.
We attempted to solve this problem diplomatically by demanding Test pay us one trillion isk a week in Curse, but we were rebuffed - in some diplomatic shenanigans best glossed over.
Wars in EVE - and in the real world - begin with a declaration of grievance, followed by a quest for justice. Tonight we join the Gallente militia. Purely because it is a great way for the individual to make profit, and by asking you for a 10% contribution of your earnings it's a great way for us to make money too.
TEST has abruptly found itself in an untenable position as a homeless alliance - in its current space, at least. I'd like to stress we aren't attacking TEST because they are our enemies; they are our friends. However it is not sheer coincidence they joined the side that would become our enemies; the GIA received intelligence that they knew of our move before we announced it and joined the Caldari to stop us. Therefore they must be destroyed. Once they disband, we will leave the militia. 

Who is right and who is wrong doesn’t really matter: if we do not kill TEST, someone else will - and they will enjoy the kind of smug that we once had, while we wallow in wrenching meekness. We are now about to send our fleets to the invasion zone. Before we do, some important details:

This is a CFC invasion, which means that we will be judging participation as a basis for spoils and pride will be distributed accordingly; TEST will be killed with the final blow of GSF, but everyone in the CFC is welcome to brag about killing Test.

Move as many Rifters as you want. This will be an easy war, so we only require you to have three or four frigates at the staging.

We will not be using Alphafleet, Baltecfleet, AHAC fleet or Caracal fleet in this campaign. Do not bring anything bigger than a frigate to the invasion zone. We are adding an armor Ibis doctrine to our roster. If you want to be ahead of the curve, begin training for T2 Ibises now. This means that the primary CFC doctrines will be IbisFleet and RifterFleet.

One final note: do not overestimate the defenders. This will be a short war, and they are now completely awful.
Thank you for coming tonight. Good luck to all of us, and I will see you in fleet.

While CFC line members were said to be delighted at the news, TEST have not take it so well. This was a ping sent to members of TEST by recently appointed CEO SkierX


#### SENT BY SkierX to Homeless @ 2013-10-11 17:44:56 EVE Time ####
 It seems TEST morale has dropped to an all-time low. According to rumours they have tried to firesale their characters as well as all their assets. Some members have reportedly tried to sell their wallets as well. Despite the initial panic his announcement caused, SkierX gave us a statement in which he urged members not to panic: "we're docking up purely as a precautionary measure, there are currently a plethora of options available to us. I mean there are literally multiple things we could do. It might take us some time to figure out what path we should take, so we'll get back to our members once we decide what to do."

Monday, 7 October 2013

CCP to give Khanid Navy Armageddons to Eve's Richest 87 People

Following the recent controversy of giving Ishukone Scorpions to various organisations such as the SCL and Somer Blink, CCP have attempted to repair relations between themselves and their customers by giving new Khanid Navy Armageddons to the richest 87 people in Eve.

The move has been well received by the majority of Eve players. Having decided to not award these prizes in secret - which angered many people in the case of the Ishukone Scorpions, CCP instead paraded the ‘rewards for creating content’ on the General Discussion subforum. The post from T20 is reproduced below:

“I'm happy to announce we have awarded a new class of ship – the Khanid Navy Armageddon – to some of the richest people in Eve. We believe they are thoroughly deserving of the prize, by being rich they have created content for hundreds, if not thousands of players. Nearly all of them got their isk by station trading, which is one of the most content creating professions in the game. By constantly updating hundreds of buy and sell orders, they've ensured that capsuleers are always getting good prices – even if they’re only saving them 0.01isk. There’s even one chap who updates his orders 23 hours a day, if that’s not dedication I don’t know what is.”

 Not everyone was happy though. Gevlon Goblin, who missed out on the prize by being a suspicious 0.01 isk away from the qualifying amount, admitted he was somewhat disappointed about missing out on the chance to own such a rare ship. “I am tiny bit sad at not getting Armageddon, but it not like they are rare ships. I am to see hundreds of them on the market every day, they only worth 100mil.”

“I'm a fucking muppet.” Our interview with Ripard Teg, who previously defended CCP giving prizes to people they choose, starts with him getting the facts in the open. “Sometimes, when I was bored at the CSM summit, I licked the floor of CCP headquarters. The others called me a ‘fucking retard’, but I know it’s important to show respect to CCP. I'm not going to criticise them, if I do I might impact their income which means they would have less money! And if they don’t have enough money, they won’t be able to develop World of Darkness! I can’t tell you how much I'm looking forward to that game; I really am a teenage girl at heart.”

CCP also advanced their efforts to promote Eve Vegas, an event running later this month. Again, it was announced through a forum thread, as copy and pasted below:

“We’re happy to announce we have gained the support of another pillarstone of the community in advertising Eve Vegas. For weeks Jia Denso has tirelessly worked to double people’s isk in Jita, and we want to capitalise on that sheer advertising potential. Even those fucking comedians who send a full message of blank lines to ‘stop the scummy spammers lol’ didn’t stop him, he ploughed on and did his job. As a symbol of our relationship, we’re giving him a special edition version of the Stratios cruiser, which will be delivered to him by reliable 3rd part The Mittani.”

Finally we were able to secure a brief interview with CCP T20, who said he would be on the lookout for more opportunities to give prizes to deserving people. If you feel you are owed an iScorp, shoot an email to CCP and they will endeavour to make sure you get the special edition ship you deserve.