Friday, 30 May 2014

CFC Deploy to Catch Following Test's Capture of an Outpost

In what has been labelled as a reckless move by some, the entirety of the CFC has been moved to the southern region of Catch to fight back the Test Alliance Please Ignore menace. The deployment is designed to stop Test from snowballing into a mighty sov holding entity once more following their conquest of a completely irrelevant station.

The outpost was reportedly taken after Lychton Kondur made a 50 mil isk bet with SkierX that the CFC would not care if Test took the station. "When we initially proposed giving Test a system during our conquest of Catch Skier would retreat into the corner of his room and start mumbling 'grrr goons' for around fifteen minutes. Eventually he got over this and I proposed the bet. His alliance is pretty fucked now and in hindsight this might have been a bad idea, but he's got 50 mil isk out of it."

SkierX has not been seen since the announcement, meaning defacto control of the alliance was handed to Koahi of Koahisquad. In a brief alliance update he stressed the need to remain chill in such a situation. "people should just learn to be cool and have fun :) goonswarm would benefit much from learning the koahisquad ways. if you find your play style disrupted by the goon move join koahisquad so we can talk :)"

It seems this has enraged Goonswarm leadership more than Montolio could have ever imagined. No speech or statement was given with the move, and it was reported that most directors were extremely irate after learning Test had gained an outpost. "Test holding sov triggers most of the directorate" claimed a Head of Recon in Goonswarm. "Grrr Test", he added.

Propaganda has already started coming from the CFC. New players in Test have been issued leaflets warning them of the danger their toxic leadership poses - and the potentially fatal consequences of sharing a Jabber room with a director. Test have asserted they didn't really want that particular station; it was sort of in a useless place and it doesn't look as good as a Caldari station, they claimed.

It's unknown whether the CFC are only interesting in taking back the YHN-3K station or whether they will follow them around for several deployments again, forcing them back to FW. It's also unclear whether this attack is designed to stab Test repeatedly in the heart over and over again until their body stops moving, or whether it's an attempt to hack off one of their limbs.

Friday, 23 May 2014

CCP Fires 50,000 Players

One of Eve's most controversial events occurred today when over 50,000 players were laid off from Eve, with CCP citing 'financial reasons' as their reasoning. It's believed CCP did this in a panic after their in-house economist left and PLEX prices rose to over 770mil isk,

CCP Hellmar took to the roof of CCP Headquarters in Reykjavik, Iceland, to announce the news to the residents of the town. "It has become clear to us that Eve is dying. To survive, we must make sacrifices for the greater goon. Therefore it is with great regret that I announce we will be permanently banning 50,000 accounts in order to sustain Eve to the next decade. Chant with me! DESTROY! DESTROY! Why are you not chanting with me! Come back!"

We asked several people who know what they're talking about to give us an overview of what this means. Ripard Teg, of the popular blog 'Gevlon's Trek', gave us his opinion. "This is clearly going to make the blue doughnut more blue we'll never see another B-R5RB no seriously we won't stop laughing." The blogger formally known as Poetic Stanziel also had something to say. "This is why I told you to take your isk and RMT it, now CCP are just going to steal it and... sell it or something."

However later in the day it became apparent that no one anyone cared about was actually banned; suggesting the sackings had been limited to highsec anti-socials. On hearing this, the community suddenly became a lot more supportive of CCP's actions, with many players who play the game making convincing arguments. "When you think about it, what actually was the point in the highsec ice miners existing? All they did was put up PLEX prices for the honest, hard working nullsec man. Grrr."

Players affected by the lay offs will of course be given financial compensation - their Eve isk will be converted to Dust isk and every thirty days of subscription they have remaining will be converted into one Dust monocle. As most of the people banned have no clue Dust exists, this seems to be the smartest business strategy we've get seen from CCP.

Monday, 12 May 2014

Valve Sells Team Fortress 2 Hat Models to CCP For Use on NEX Store

Valve Chairman Gabe Newell and CCP CEO Hilmar Veigar announced today they had sealed the deal on the game-related business deal of the year, as CCP acquired the intellectual property on all of Team Fortress 2's hats, allowing them to be imported into Eve.

Mr. Veigar stated that he had been seeking to obtain hats from Valve's popular FPS since the NEX Store was first opened in 2011, after realising plain black boots were a lot less
"I've always been a big admirer of Valve's free to play system. We tried to discreetly copy them on the path to making Eve a free to play game by adding a store where one could purchase a range of cosmetic apparel. My downfall was when I changed one crucial part of the recipe - we didn't add any hats because we didn't want it to look like we were copying Valve.
Another reason for the attack on the NEX store was that it was a waste of developer time - you don't have to worry about that any more because we're exporting the hats directly as they are from TF2, taking up no developer time at the expense of the $1,999,500 fee Valve charged. (He kindly knocked $500 off the price after the CCP crew pooled the metal on their TF2 accounts and sent it to him.)
We'll also be adding some special effects similar to implants. Many lower tier hats will give a 1% bonus to control tower onlining time, to make upper tier and unusual hats more attractive we'll be adding ships that can only be flown if you have the necessary hat - and of course all hats can be purchased with aurum on our new store."
The new headgear has gone down well with the majority of Eve players. CSM 9 candidate Xenuria stated he very much looked forward to the prospect of obtaining a fedora for his character. Another notable forum dweller named Dinsdale Piranha suggested that this was the work of some kind of Goon, or possibly another nullsec dweller, designed to humiliate the working classes of highsec. Some have speculated his reaction was caused by the fact there are no tinfoil hats in Team Fortress 2.

Pandemic Legion were also critics of the hats, pointing out the blatant favouritism shown between Valve multiplayer games. "We could've had a wide range of apparel from the most popular Valve game Dota 2, which is on average played by ten times more people than Team Fortress 2. But no, instead we just get some hats from a dead, seven year old game. How are we going to dress Sniggwaffe members as mascots for the PL Dota championships with TF2 hats?" At this point his argument rapidly degenerated, but JEFFRAIDER added "I just want one hat from Chivalry and I'll be chill."

Later in the day CCP Saberwing announced a new 'Vampire' class would be added to Dust in what many believe is an ill conceived ruse to offload some of World of Darkness's assets in order to enhance its appeal to teenage girls. Experts are already fairly certain this will have limited success.

Thursday, 8 May 2014

RUS Block Officially Pronounced Dead

After losing all but one region of their sovereignty the Russian Block was pronounced dead earlier this morning, in what N3 leader progodlegend called his 'easiest and most hilarious victory yet.'

Many people are confused as to how this happened. Despite their foe losing around nine trillion isk in the Battle of BR-5RB three months ago and subsequently being driven back to doorstep of the Dronelands, the tables have completely turned and Russians are running in fear of N3 and Hero. Many have speculated that -A-'s shitness leaked to their allies and caused them to become as awful as them.

During Fanfest The Mittani was said to be 'very much aware' of his ally's critical condition, something that may have contributed to him being seduced by Brave Collective leader Lychton Kondur, who was able to give us some insight into the way he conducts diplomacy. "When I'm looking for a strong coalition partner I look for men with nice beards. I have to say Skier X's is pretty poor in comparison to Mittani's..."

A source in the CFC appeared to back a closer relationship with Brave. "In hindsight, it's easy to see that every non-SOLAR alliance is pretty bad. One of them disbanded, one of them switched sides, one of them is -A- and the others just rolled over and died in terror."

The question on everybody's lips is who Mittani and Lychton allegedly signed the death warrant of. A Brave member pointed out that a move against -A- may not be backed due to euthanasia being illegal in most countries Brave players reside in. GIA spies have also reported that Providence residents are packing their packs so they are ready to leave without a fight should the eyes of Mittani and Lychton turn to them. "Goon... scary" noted a Yulai Federation director.

The post-Russian world now consists of the CFC, N3 and tens of thousands of renters. With almost 19,000 members, the N3PL renting alliances now nearly outnumber the coalition itself, and are now believed to have the same power as all the low-tier alliances in N3 combined. We will see if they are able to use this position to their advantage.