Monday, 21 April 2014

Burn Jita Cancelled Due to Budget Cuts

In a shocking revelation, The Mittani announced today that the long-awaited Burn Jita 3 event will be cancelled this year due to budget cuts. The sudden cancellation was sparked after Greater Western Co-Prosperity Sphere lost a 15bil freighter to a Goonwaffe POS. The loss has crippled the renter alliance's income for this month, and has directly led to the cancellation of many CFC services.

While Burn Jita is the most well-known service cancelled, Goonwaffe's 100% bonus to peacetime reimbursement has also been cut. "The cuts to SRP have been a nightmare," we were told by Bob Starseeker, Goonwaffe's EU recruitment director, "I now only break even from losing ships in PvP, rather than make a ridiculous profit. It appears the days of making Brave Newbies sing for isk are over."

Of course, many who directly oppose the CFC have shown delight at the recent turn of events. Self-proclaimed Goon-haters have literally taken to the streets in celebration, claiming that this is surely the end of Goonswarm's reign of tyranny across highsec. Xenuria, CSM 9 candidate, posted a video on his Youtube channel expressing his delight over the news. An extract from the transcript can be found below.
"Hello... I am Xenuria... in case you can't already tell. And this is the interview where I announce, publicly and officially, my delight at Burn Jita being cancelled. And you may be asking yourself, as I mouth these... deliciously silky words: How does this affect me? Why should I care? And maybe I can answer that with a question... if you're intuitive enough to relate. Do you enjoy the sock puppetry? Do you enjoy Mittani, CCP's buttboy? If the answer is no, then this is amazing news for you. This, my friends, marks the end of Mittani's evil influence over New Eden. CCP's buttboy will surely quit Eve now, dissolving the blue doughnut forever. And remember... vote for Xenuria for CSM 9, because... I'm different... I'm STRAAANGE."
Despite the lack of Burn Jita this year Miniluv have been running freighter ganks around the Jita area and have made some impressive kills. Included in these are a MoA freighter pilot who lost his freighter, then undocked another one, took the same route and subsequently lost it again.

While no Burn Jita this year means many ignorant freighter pilots are safe, thousands of Eve players looking forward to the action will be left disappointed at the lack of hilarious lossmails. This has delighted Ripard Teg to no end, who previously stated he believed all people who laughed at the killmail of an innocent carebear who had been murdered are psychopathic criminals and will go to hell with Erotica 1.

Friday, 18 April 2014

James 315 Permanently Banned for Bullying Highsec Miners

Today, it was announced that CCP have banned Saviour of Highsec James 315 for "repeated harassment of miners across New Eden". The decision has come shortly after the banning of Erotica 1, and was supposedly inspired in the same way - a blog post made by CSM candidate Ripard Teg.

"After being elected to multiple CSMs thanks to my voters, I wanted to give more back to the demographic that elected me. My ban of the psychotic, evil torturer Erotica 1 went some way to that, but I wanted to go further" Ripard told us in an interview. "So I thought, why not just end non-consensual highsec PvP all together? Think about how many highsec carebears with dozens of mining accounts voted for me!" Unfortunately, Ripard could not stay to answer more of our questions, as he was too busy contracting all of his assets to be moved by a Goonswarm recruiter.

Of course, many prominent highsec figures were quick to express their support of CCP's controversial decision. "It's fantastic news for me." Gelvon Goblin told us while hiding from RvB in his new wormhole POS. "Since James 315 and the rest of his New Order are all Mittani alts, it means the Mittani has been banned too. This will finally give me a chance to take a highsec POCO and make MAD ISK!"

The New Order, along with other residents of highsec who possess a brain, have come out as against the move. Claims that banning a player for bullying is against what the game stands for were quickly shot down by CCP, with comments stating that "harassment is morally reprehensible, and verifiable examples of such behaviour will be met with disciplinary action against game accounts in accordance with our Terms of Service."

Regardless of decisions made today, economy experts have predicted that James 315's sudden departure to the game will cause highsec infrastructure to suffer greatly. The cash flow that was generated by the sale of mining permits was integral to the economy as we know it, and its absence may lead to a complete collapse of markets across New Eden. While we at the Eveonion strive to remain neutral in these matters, we hope that the brave men and women of the New Order will continue their leader's legacy by continuing to sell mining permits, and we wish them luck in their endeavour.