Saturday, 30 November 2013

CCP Announces PLEX for CSM Minutes Campaign

The CSM process is a vital one in the fabric of Eve, nowhere more so than the Eve Online podcasting and blogging community. Without the CSM's tireless contributions of self-promotion and inane content many podcasts would simply cease to exist. The symbiotic relationship between blogs, podcasts and media hungry CSMs drives the Eve Online community output.

However, a crisis is now looming; the bi-annual minutes of the secretive CSM and CCP Summer Summit have not been published, causing a content drought for bloggers and podcasts. In previous years this content hole was filled by The Mittani but he is now hording his content for his own social media outlets.

CCP has reacted swiftly and today announced the ‘PLEX for minutes’ campaign. The leader of the Eve Community team CCP NeverLogsOn said this in a recent dev blog:

“Many have asked why CCP have not yet reviewed and released the CSM Minutes. I would like to ensure the Community that we at CCP have endeavored to review these Minutes, but, they have presented a significant challenge in that they are incredibly tedious. In fact they are so mind numbingly dull that the last two CCP employees who attempted to review them are now on sickness leave.  
Our Human Resources team have now banned all CCP employees from reading any content. Indeed, the forty minute monologue from CSM delegate Ripard Teg has been deemed so insipid we have secured it offshore along with all of CCP Dolan’s alliance tournament commentaries. We do recognize the urgency of the situation which is why today we launch the PLEX for Minutes campaign. 
We are asking the community 1000 PLEXs which will allow us to recruit an external consultant to review the minutes for us and publish them quickly." 

 We have already identified a candidate from the Eve community who has an extensive background in furry erotic fiction. He has offered his services and will be known as CCP RoughTiger, commenting:

"Donate now and get those Minutes!!"

This further extends the range of services CCP are willing to allow players to use PLEX to purchase. It is rumored that a PLEX for POS code campaign may start in the New Year - something CCP have denied by saying they cannot be bothered to undertake such a difficult course of development.

Thursday, 28 November 2013

Manufacture of Phoenixes Banned

CCP made a shocking announcement today when they outlawed the production of Phoenixes - the Caldari dreadnought which is renowned for its inability to damage any moving object. They claimed they were left with little choice once they realised how bad the ship is.

Fozzie broke the news when he stated on Twitter that CCP felt is was 'unfair' to allow players to use such an awful ship, following up with this forum post:
"For a long time you've had to put up with only having three dreadnoughts. If we're honest, there is no Caldari dreadnought, the Phoenix is just a piece of shit masquerading as a dreadnought. I mean it is literally crap, it even looks like the very matter I expelled from my bowels this morning. No more we say! Until we get round to rebalancing capital ships, we'll make sure that players aren't subjected to the horror that is the Phoenix. As of tomorrow starting a manufacturing job on a Pheonix blueprint will result in a permanent ban. At the moment we're not going to persecute people for actually flying the ship because the GMs won't let us, but do yourselves a favour and self-destruct it."

The move was generally welcomed by players - even Phoenix pilots supported CCPs efforts to try to prise them from their beloved shits. "I've got an unhealthy obsession with my Phoenix, I can't leave it. Every time some faggot FC tells me I can't bring it on a stratop, I cry. Hopefully CCP will take this further and delete all Phoenixes so I can finally leave it behind."

Not everyone's happy though, a few months ago BNI pilots were ordered to start training for a new Phoenix doctrine. "I've had a hidden agenda since I started BNI all those months ago" admits Matais Otero, founder and former leader of the corporation. "I've always wanted a fleet of Phoenixes. I sunk some PLEX into buying blueprints and I've spent the better part of a year researching them, then just as we're about ready to start our production CCP come in with this stealth bravenewbie-nerf, no doubt this is the work of the nullsec entities on the CSM. Still, we will work on finding another counter to Talwar fleets."

The morality of building Phoenixes has been called into question before. Although this has not stopped them from being manufactured previously, it's expected the threat of a permanent ban will stop these rouge arms dealers in their tracks. Many hope the change in policy will finally stop these abominations getting into the hands of innocent newbies and cause a 40% reduction in biomasses.

Tuesday, 19 November 2013

Group of Seven Pilots Announce Intention to Invade Providence then Rent it Back to CVA

Seven mildly competent capsuleers have publicly stated they have gone to war with Proviblock after failing to settle a sovereignty dispute over the Providence region. They say they were left with little choice after CVA's diplomatic team failed to recognise them as serflords of the region.

The first battle of the war took place in K1Y-5H, a fairly quiet active system owned by Yulai Federation. Five of the 'Supreme Seven' were present, including Moros pilot Steve Ijonen. They were able to put the I-hub into shield reinforcement despite the heavy enemy presence in the system - unconfirmed reports state the locals were unaware the pilots were there, despite the fact they besieged the system for over six hours.

CVA have denied any assault has taken place on their region overnight, we were able to secure an interview with Equinox Daedalus, the leader of the alliance.

Tubrug1: Hello Equinox!
Equinox Daedalus: I prefer Sir Lord Admiral Equinox Daedalus of the Amarr Empire.
T1: Can I just call you m8?
ED: No.
T1: Excellent, so tell me m8, how are you taking the joint Deep Core Mining - Federal Navy Academy invasion of Providence?
ED: We haven't received any official report of attacks by the seven individuals who tried to rent our own space to us without invading it, however we did discover an I-hub had been reinforced several hours ago. We're not quite sure who did this, but when we find out our retribution will be swift.
T1: The Seven reinforced it.
ED: That's impossible, they're neutral to us. In fact, once of them paid YF 10 million isk to dock a Moros in the K1Y-5H station yesterday.
T1: Yes... Could you tell us more about CVA's new Prophecy doctrine which you intend to use to fight these invaders?
ED: Well it's nicknamed the stab because it's got so many Warp Core Stabilisers. It allows us to quickly run away if the battle isn't going in our favour.
T1: What if the enemy uses bubbles?
ED: That's why we've got improved cloaks!

Tensions continue to mount in Providence, with morale particularly low on the Proviblock side. "How are we supposed to fight them if we can't see them?" pondered one Care Factor pilot. "I bet they'll just fucking blob us" speculated another. The Seven said they had planned to rent the entire region back to them for 50 million isk/month - which is not a trivial sum of money for a modest alliance like CVA. With fireselling on the minds of many Providence residents, it's a question of who will be the first to crack under the pressure of a sov war.

Monday, 11 November 2013

Mad Ani Promises to Stamp Out Protests With an Iron First

Mad Ani delivered a defiant speech in a post in General Discussion today, announcing he would not tolerate protests against his bid to become a CCP employee. He also attempted to buy an advertisement encouraging people to subscribe to his stream in this opening paragraph, but has failed to do so.

It is believed he took this action after it emerged some people in the official forum thread did not like him and were not prepared to give him real money. Sources close to Mad Ani say he was 'outraged' and 'disgusted' by the sudden realisation. This prompted him to write a brief post about what would happen to the people who dared to violate his rules.

"Mad Ani 24/7 Live Stream
Hello. I'm a neutral Eve news correspondent who streams fights. It emerged earlier today that there are some people who disagree with my stream. Let me make this perfectly clear:
You cannot disagree with my stream. 
If I receive intelligence that you have said something negative about my stream, you will be blocked. This means you will not be able to use the twitch chat on my stream or talk to me ingame. I only want to have to repeat this once: you will not be able to use the twitch chat on my stream or talk to me ingame.
You have one chance.
Please subscribe to my stream for only $4.99! This money helps to keep the stream running and allows me to be unemployed!"

Within minutes the forum thread was full of people well-wishing Mad Ani. The first two pages contained completely positive comments, including 'every1 except u is a faggot mad ani!' and 'you are the most friendly player in Eve! CCP Mad Ani!'.

Unfortunately the peace did not last long. As soon as word got out, hundreds of non-fanboys descended on the thread, causing scenes of devestation. Goons, carebears, griefers, carebears, miners and renters united in their hatred of Mad Ani. After replying 'blocked' to every negative commenter for the first few minutes, he suddenly fell silent. Reports indicate he retreated to the webcam on his live stream, where he remained in an irate mood for several hours.

After disabling the stream's chat, he could be seen talking to himself while naked, and began stroking a fedora with sunglasses on. Eventually he dispensed with the Eve stream altogether, instead displaying his webcam fullscreen. This has left at least seven people dead, with up to fourteen more severely injured. Many remain confused and worried.