Thursday, 28 November 2013

Manufacture of Phoenixes Banned

CCP made a shocking announcement today when they outlawed the production of Phoenixes - the Caldari dreadnought which is renowned for its inability to damage any moving object. They claimed they were left with little choice once they realised how bad the ship is.

Fozzie broke the news when he stated on Twitter that CCP felt is was 'unfair' to allow players to use such an awful ship, following up with this forum post:
"For a long time you've had to put up with only having three dreadnoughts. If we're honest, there is no Caldari dreadnought, the Phoenix is just a piece of shit masquerading as a dreadnought. I mean it is literally crap, it even looks like the very matter I expelled from my bowels this morning. No more we say! Until we get round to rebalancing capital ships, we'll make sure that players aren't subjected to the horror that is the Phoenix. As of tomorrow starting a manufacturing job on a Pheonix blueprint will result in a permanent ban. At the moment we're not going to persecute people for actually flying the ship because the GMs won't let us, but do yourselves a favour and self-destruct it."

The move was generally welcomed by players - even Phoenix pilots supported CCPs efforts to try to prise them from their beloved shits. "I've got an unhealthy obsession with my Phoenix, I can't leave it. Every time some faggot FC tells me I can't bring it on a stratop, I cry. Hopefully CCP will take this further and delete all Phoenixes so I can finally leave it behind."

Not everyone's happy though, a few months ago BNI pilots were ordered to start training for a new Phoenix doctrine. "I've had a hidden agenda since I started BNI all those months ago" admits Matais Otero, founder and former leader of the corporation. "I've always wanted a fleet of Phoenixes. I sunk some PLEX into buying blueprints and I've spent the better part of a year researching them, then just as we're about ready to start our production CCP come in with this stealth bravenewbie-nerf, no doubt this is the work of the nullsec entities on the CSM. Still, we will work on finding another counter to Talwar fleets."

The morality of building Phoenixes has been called into question before. Although this has not stopped them from being manufactured previously, it's expected the threat of a permanent ban will stop these rouge arms dealers in their tracks. Many hope the change in policy will finally stop these abominations getting into the hands of innocent newbies and cause a 40% reduction in biomasses.


  1. As may be seen from the kill mail above, the best uses of Phoenix is definitely insurance fraud, and padding killboards. Although in my experience reprocessing them is actually rather satisfying, because all those bits can be used to make something well ... useful.

  2. In other real news, shortly after the killmail above, Ivy Greene joined Brave Newbies, Inc.

    1. That is actually the best thing I've discovered all day.

    2. And lost a double-tanked raven. But now he's in Barleguet now, and even joined a fleet that was sent into a wormhole to pewpew. He didn't know what a wormhole is, but hey that's what BNI for.