Saturday, 26 July 2014

Top CFC FC Fired for Suggesting a Sov War with N3

One of Goonswarm Federation's highest ranking FCs was booted from the alliance today after suggesting the coalition actually engaged N3 in an 'consequential' and 'enjoyable' war.

The Mittani was rumoured to be outraged when he heard the deviant FC's suggestion of a dual pronged attack on BoT in the north and NA in the south, and sought to re-educate the player. "Do you have any idea how nullsec works!? Why would we violate BOTLRD? Why is the enjoyment and fun of our 40,000 members and the health of the game more important than the continued existence of my spacetribe? Why would I actually solve nullsec stagnation by SBUing Paragon Soul when me and Endie could write columns about it while pissing off thousands of pubbies?" For thirty minutes The Mittani gave a list of reasons as to why the CFC would not be going to war, before telling the FC to 'go to wormhole space or something if you want to use your dread against other players.'

In just weeks prior to this N3 had a similar dispute, in which a INK FC tried to start a fun and meaningful fight by SBUing and taking a BRAVE system. He was quickly tugged back by progodlegend after he heard of this, where he was informed of the importance of not losing money which could've been spent on the construction of titans. "We have the Great Catch/Providence Game Reserve here for a reason, it exists so we can entertain ourselves without having to fight the CFC and their thousands of megathrons. If we piss them off they'll stop fighting us and we won't have anyone to shoot for the next two years while we build enough titans to win victory against the CFC."

Meanwhile CCP's best minds are hard at work at work in Reykjavik as they frantically try to work out why the PCU count is at its lowest level in six years. Someone looking through the window of CCP's office reported seeing CCP Fozzie, CCP Rise, and CCP Seagull fashioning objects out of lego in a boardroom for several hours, sitting next to a flipboard labelled 'MOBIEL STRUCTURES'. Eventually Rise assembled a structure that looked somewhat like a satellite dish. He delivered it to Fozzie for approval, who shook his head and crushed it in his hand.

There was brighter news on the horizon for Eve though as its main competitor Star Citizen announced its ambitious new $100,000,000 stretch goal - putting a man on the moon using a functional model of the Aurora, one of the largest ships in the 'game'. It still seems nullsec and CCP have plenty of time to correct nullsec.

Sunday, 20 July 2014

The Eve Onion Guide to Alliance Tournament XII Teams

With the alliance tournament drawing ever closer it's about time we assessed this year's field. Obviously no one's heard of half of the 64 teams competing this year, but it can be hard to tell whether the remaining alliances are bad, full of shitlords or somewhat decent. Fortunately the Eve Onion is here to give you the lowdown on the most relevant teams participating in ATXII.

Oh no wait, Matias forgot to fill out the form, top kek.

Many expect CODE., the official alliance of James 315's New Order, to go quite far in the tournament. While they obviously can't PVP, their tactic of torturing the opposition before matches should make up for this. With Chief Spaceship Detective Ripard Teg gone, it's believed Erotica 1 will be the cornerstone of the team, using alts to torment players of the opposition before games.

In a desperate attempt to remind people they still exist, Eve's least glamorous alliance will be entering the alliance tournament yet again this year. It's rumoured they petitioned to have the ship destruction boundary removed so they could warp their ships away due to their lack of funds, only to be told to man up by CCP Fozzie.

Erm... did anyone tell FCON the Alliance Tournament involves fighting players rather than NPCs? Well at least they can't lose any titans in CCP space, and it shouldn't be too taxing to put 12 people in a fleet.


Also tryhards.

I've never seen these guys on TQ but godamn they have a good name. Take note people, this is how you name an alliance.

No one's going to take you seriously if your alliance name is an innuendo. 

Thanks to their recent deployment to Vale where they have lost 15 capitals over two fights, many have labelled Nulli the new FCON. Due to this and the recent split which resulted in corporations leaving to form a FW alliance, many are doubting whether Nulli will still be alive at the time of the tournament. 

Not content with causing the COMPLETE STAGNATION of nullsec thanks to the BOTLRD accord, Pathetic Legion now want to go and ruin the Alliance Tournament for everyone else. If you support PL you are, in fact, a dick.

These guys should have plenty of time to practice after being camped in stations by the CFC on a regular basis, however it's not clear whether PASTA will have enough actual people to participate in the tournament due to their number of alts.

Sadly RAZOR will not be able to outnumber the enemy 5:1, allegedly the threshold required for the CFC to engage, and so many expect them to do poorly despite being the least retarded CFC alliance in the tournament. 

Test have already exceeded expectations for this Alliance Tournament by being able to afford the 5 PLEX entry fee, rumoured to have been donated by Gevlon Goblin. There's no pressure on them to go any further.

Here we have the polar opposite of the Ministry of Inappropriate Footwork, with the worst alliance name I have ever seen. 'The Nameless Alliance' is a name you fucking idiots.

Apparently these guys are in N3, and are best known for their recent ploy on a BRAVE system which resulted in them being shat on. Fairly irrelevant before this move.

Tuesday, 8 July 2014

Carebear Explains the Main Problems With Eve Online

The statement that "Eve is dying" is one that you will consistently hear echoed within the corp chats of some of the most reputable NPC corporations around. These people log on every day with the specific intention of perpetuating statements such as "this game really needs to change to keep people subbed" and "y should i pay for this game if it takes ages to get anywhere" In order to further understand these concerns the Eve Onion interviewed a resident of these corp chats and self-proclaimed carebear who wishes to be referred to as "Ursaviour123" for reasons specified as "no-life scammers and trolls."

So Ursavior123, what do you think is the main problem with Eve Online currently?

"The main problem is all these nerds living in their moms basements going around ruining peoples fun. I can't even mine in peace without some idiot showing up and demanding fees for some "licence" or whatever, hell it's not just mining, my buddy told me about a time where he loaded up the five PLEX he made station trading into his Bestower and a bunch of guys just flew up in Catalysts and killed him.... IN HIGHSEC... isn't the whole point of highsec to be a place where no pvp is allowed? CCP really needs to crack down on this exploitative behavior.

What do you think can be done to solve this issue?

"There needs to be more systems put in place to protect honest players like me from the obvious abuse that comes from these losers, if you look at successful games like World of Warcraft you see that Blizzard took the sensible option of not tolerating scamming or trolling within the game, in mainstream MMO's infiltrating a group with the intent of stealing all of their hard earned stuff would get you banned, but in Eve they encourage it.. even putting it in their advertising!!... This design philosophy is innately flawed and punishes the legit players while allowing the trolls and sociopaths to flourish."

What sort of systems do you propose?

"PvP needs to be completely banned in highsec space, all ships should have a permanent CONCORD killswitch so that they moment they perform an aggressive action against another player their ship immediately blows up and they are fined twice the value of the target ship, that way highsec will finally be working as intended as a PvP free zone where people can actually play the game properly instead of going around ruining other peoples days. Ship collision should be removed too, they should just clip through each other, that way it's impossible for people to extort my miner by bumping me out of range and demanding ludicrous fees, it takes me two hours of mining in my venture to make ten million isk... why should I pay it to them just to keep playing the game how I want to? Trolling and scamming should be banned too, there should be serious punishments for anyone who is mean to another player with a "report for abuse" button being placed beside everyone in local chat.

What punishments are we talking here?

"Scamming should lead to an instant ban, if you trick someone into giving you their isk or other assets it's clear that you're a toxic player who doesn't belong within a respectable MMO community, the punishment for trolling should be more severe though, if you're reported for abuse enough times CCP should notify your local police force to have you arrested.. sort of like a real life CONCORD.

Isn't that a bit harsh, after all... it's only a game?

"It doesn't matter if it's just in a game.. abuse is abuse, I genuinely felt like crying after my venture got blown up for refusing to pay extortion fees, I tried to explain how horrible the gankers were and how they were the cancer that is plaguing eve but they just started laughing. There's only one language these thugs speak so we need to teach them a lesson to stop their bullying."

Well it's been a pleasure talking with you, have you any closing suggestions or comments?

"Yes, CCP really needs to make a separate PvE server for all the honest players to go to. In the server every system should have a high security status and no combat with other players would be permitted, that way we could all have a fun time without lame trolls constantly ruining the game."

Ursaviour123 is just one of thousands who struggle to survive in highsec. While nullsec players repeatedly debate the merits of power projection and stagnation, carebears also face very challenging problems as described here. Nullsec dwellers must remember the reality of the hardship faced by those on the other side of the galaxy.

Wednesday, 25 June 2014

Goonswarm Federation Kicked From the CFC

In what is perhaps the most shocking event to occur in the last eleven years of Eve, alliances once labelled as 'carebears' and 'cowards' have succeeded in doing what most of nullsec and all of highsec have been trying to do for the past nine years: destroying Goonswarm Federation.

It has emerged the leaders of various CFC alliances gradually became more disloyal to The Mittani following B-R5RB. They faced the constant humiliation of being called 'goon pets' by Gevlon Goblin, instilling the desire to be free in the minds of various alliance CEOs. The spark for the revolution took the form of a Snot Shot EN24 article. The Mittani began to receive obscene statements from his allies such as "are you going to kill us like to killed GENTS and Li3" and "why did you use our monthly tribute to pay for drinks at Fanfest?"

FCON, a capable C-tier, maybe D-tier CFC alliance, were the first to take a stand against the tyranny of their overlords. They demanded Goonswarm give them 50 systems of their space and never burn Jita again. Needless to say their aggressive rhetoric was beaten back by the silver-tongued Goonswarm directorate, but they then demanded that FCON reform their alliance and change their ticker to FGOON to make an example of alliances that do not worship Goonswarm.

Several alliances leapt to the defence of FCON. In a desperate effort to defuse the situation, Goonswarm offered to slash the 100 bil isk/month tribute for Dabigredboat's officer-fit Manticore fund by 5%. While this did pacify FA, it only infuriated the rest of the coalition.

After a tense week of standoff between Goonswarm and the CFC, Goonswarm realised they would not be able to withstand the assault motivated by three years of anger, and peacefully retreated to highsec. It's believed they will begin a highsec-wide ice interdiction, which will be done not by destroying mining barges but by mining and depleting the ice before it can be touched by highsec miners. It's believed most Goonswarm corporations will apply for asylum in The Bastion however, effectively killing the alliance. Test have been invited to move into Deklein, as of yet they have not responded.

Many expected N3 to move in on the severely weakened coalition now they have lost a third of their supercapital and capital fleet, 11,000 members and the majority of their block-level FCs. Instead, they were the first to extend the hand of friendship to the CFC by offering +10 standings to most CFC alliances and +5 standings to FA. Most of Goonswarm's leadership have retreated to a single mumble channel where an airhorn rendition of Beethoven's Symphony #5 has been playing for several hours.

Tuesday, 17 June 2014

Brave Collective Change Recruitment Policy, Players Now Require Pulse to Join

In an unexpected move the Brave Collective, a primarily newbie friendly alliance, have changed their recruitment policy to only allow players who have a pulse and minimal brain function to join

The move has drawn criticism from senior Brave Newbies, who say it violates the spirit of the corporation. Indeed, when the corporation was founded sixteen months ago recruiters paid no regard to what species the applicant was, yet alone their mental age or their actual age. This amendment comes a year after the first revision of recruitment rules, in which only people who knew how to self-destruct could join the prestigious organisation.

Some argue the change in policy was logical after BRAVE became a sov-holding entity, with the threat of awoxing becoming a more important and prominent issue. By rejecting those with a non-functioning brain, it's expected there will be a significant drop in the number of Proviblock spies infiltrating the alliance.

Some fear that this could signify a change in culture in BRAVE to solidify relations with more experienced alliances such as Goonswarm Federation and NC. Test in particular have registered their disapproval. "Retards form the cornerstone of our alliance" explains Test diplomat Durrhurrdurr."Without us, this alliance wouldn't be where it is today; it would have been killed to death a long time ago."

This news comes just days after infamous elite PVP alliance Pandemic Legion announced they would now require an applicant to own at least four titans before even considering their application. Northern Coalition retain their stringent 99.9% killboard efficiency criteria, while most renter corps continue to accept people who are capable of remembering their password for long enough to log in.

Tuesday, 3 June 2014

Two-Thirds of Players Believe Eve was a Better Game Fourteen Years Ago

A survey undertaken by bittervet posting site revealed that 69% of Eve players believed the barely-functional prototype of the game in 2000 was better than the current iteration that haunts Tranquillity today.

All kinds of players had concerns with the last twenty-one expansions. Many nullsec players cited the development of the 'toxic' lag management system known as 'time dilation' as the feature that they disliked most in the present day. "Imagine what B-R5RB would be like if we didn't have TiDi. We wouldn't have been slowed down by a factor of 10x for the entire fight. Tidi does nothing. Anyone who says Tidi has revolutionised the scale of combat that can be experienced in Eve and ended the days when battles were won by those who loaded grid first is a fucking idiot."

Those who lived in the neglect of highsec didn't appreciate the direction of CCP's development for the last decade and a half either. "It all went wrong when CCP released the Second Genesis expansion in 2003" believes valued highsec resident Shikari Auduin. "From there it's just been downhill with every single expansion, with nerf after nerf after to highsec. For me, nothing could match the gameplay in Eve's closed beta. I have an IQ of 39" he added.

There's no doubt that this will once again ignite the debate that Eve Online is, in fact, dying. However it's worth noting that 24% of people believe Eve is better today than it was at the turn of the millennium, a significant improvement last time this survey was undertaken following the Incarna release, when just 9% preferred the current version to its predecessor. The players who changed their vote between those three years stated 'graphical improvements' as the main improvement to the game, with the V3 shaders and hull redesigns being a bigger hit than many of the larger features that have been released in the past 36 months.

Nonetheless these figures are likely to concern CCP. With 76% of people saying the game is either on par or worse than what it was fourteen years ago, many people are wondering whether the majority of the time and money spent on Eve has gone to waste since its conception in 1997. Unless they can turn the game around in the next few expansions, it's likely they'll face growing pressure to revert the game back to its embryonic state.

Friday, 30 May 2014

CFC Deploy to Catch Following Test's Capture of an Outpost

In what has been labelled as a reckless move by some, the entirety of the CFC has been moved to the southern region of Catch to fight back the Test Alliance Please Ignore menace. The deployment is designed to stop Test from snowballing into a mighty sov holding entity once more following their conquest of a completely irrelevant station.

The outpost was reportedly taken after Lychton Kondur made a 50 mil isk bet with SkierX that the CFC would not care if Test took the station. "When we initially proposed giving Test a system during our conquest of Catch Skier would retreat into the corner of his room and start mumbling 'grrr goons' for around fifteen minutes. Eventually he got over this and I proposed the bet. His alliance is pretty fucked now and in hindsight this might have been a bad idea, but he's got 50 mil isk out of it."

SkierX has not been seen since the announcement, meaning defacto control of the alliance was handed to Koahi of Koahisquad. In a brief alliance update he stressed the need to remain chill in such a situation. "people should just learn to be cool and have fun :) goonswarm would benefit much from learning the koahisquad ways. if you find your play style disrupted by the goon move join koahisquad so we can talk :)"

It seems this has enraged Goonswarm leadership more than Montolio could have ever imagined. No speech or statement was given with the move, and it was reported that most directors were extremely irate after learning Test had gained an outpost. "Test holding sov triggers most of the directorate" claimed a Head of Recon in Goonswarm. "Grrr Test", he added.

Propaganda has already started coming from the CFC. New players in Test have been issued leaflets warning them of the danger their toxic leadership poses - and the potentially fatal consequences of sharing a Jabber room with a director. Test have asserted they didn't really want that particular station; it was sort of in a useless place and it doesn't look as good as a Caldari station, they claimed.

It's unknown whether the CFC are only interesting in taking back the YHN-3K station or whether they will follow them around for several deployments again, forcing them back to FW. It's also unclear whether this attack is designed to stab Test repeatedly in the heart over and over again until their body stops moving, or whether it's an attempt to hack off one of their limbs.

Friday, 23 May 2014

CCP Fires 50,000 Players

One of Eve's most controversial events occurred today when over 50,000 players were laid off from Eve, with CCP citing 'financial reasons' as their reasoning. It's believed CCP did this in a panic after their in-house economist left and PLEX prices rose to over 770mil isk,

CCP Hellmar took to the roof of CCP Headquarters in Reykjavik, Iceland, to announce the news to the residents of the town. "It has become clear to us that Eve is dying. To survive, we must make sacrifices for the greater goon. Therefore it is with great regret that I announce we will be permanently banning 50,000 accounts in order to sustain Eve to the next decade. Chant with me! DESTROY! DESTROY! Why are you not chanting with me! Come back!"

We asked several people who know what they're talking about to give us an overview of what this means. Ripard Teg, of the popular blog 'Gevlon's Trek', gave us his opinion. "This is clearly going to make the blue doughnut more blue we'll never see another B-R5RB no seriously we won't stop laughing." The blogger formally known as Poetic Stanziel also had something to say. "This is why I told you to take your isk and RMT it, now CCP are just going to steal it and... sell it or something."

However later in the day it became apparent that no one anyone cared about was actually banned; suggesting the sackings had been limited to highsec anti-socials. On hearing this, the community suddenly became a lot more supportive of CCP's actions, with many players who play the game making convincing arguments. "When you think about it, what actually was the point in the highsec ice miners existing? All they did was put up PLEX prices for the honest, hard working nullsec man. Grrr."

Players affected by the lay offs will of course be given financial compensation - their Eve isk will be converted to Dust isk and every thirty days of subscription they have remaining will be converted into one Dust monocle. As most of the people banned have no clue Dust exists, this seems to be the smartest business strategy we've get seen from CCP.

Monday, 12 May 2014

Valve Sells Team Fortress 2 Hat Models to CCP For Use on NEX Store

Valve Chairman Gabe Newell and CCP CEO Hilmar Veigar announced today they had sealed the deal on the game-related business deal of the year, as CCP acquired the intellectual property on all of Team Fortress 2's hats, allowing them to be imported into Eve.

Mr. Veigar stated that he had been seeking to obtain hats from Valve's popular FPS since the NEX Store was first opened in 2011, after realising plain black boots were a lot less
"I've always been a big admirer of Valve's free to play system. We tried to discreetly copy them on the path to making Eve a free to play game by adding a store where one could purchase a range of cosmetic apparel. My downfall was when I changed one crucial part of the recipe - we didn't add any hats because we didn't want it to look like we were copying Valve.
Another reason for the attack on the NEX store was that it was a waste of developer time - you don't have to worry about that any more because we're exporting the hats directly as they are from TF2, taking up no developer time at the expense of the $1,999,500 fee Valve charged. (He kindly knocked $500 off the price after the CCP crew pooled the metal on their TF2 accounts and sent it to him.)
We'll also be adding some special effects similar to implants. Many lower tier hats will give a 1% bonus to control tower onlining time, to make upper tier and unusual hats more attractive we'll be adding ships that can only be flown if you have the necessary hat - and of course all hats can be purchased with aurum on our new store."
The new headgear has gone down well with the majority of Eve players. CSM 9 candidate Xenuria stated he very much looked forward to the prospect of obtaining a fedora for his character. Another notable forum dweller named Dinsdale Piranha suggested that this was the work of some kind of Goon, or possibly another nullsec dweller, designed to humiliate the working classes of highsec. Some have speculated his reaction was caused by the fact there are no tinfoil hats in Team Fortress 2.

Pandemic Legion were also critics of the hats, pointing out the blatant favouritism shown between Valve multiplayer games. "We could've had a wide range of apparel from the most popular Valve game Dota 2, which is on average played by ten times more people than Team Fortress 2. But no, instead we just get some hats from a dead, seven year old game. How are we going to dress Sniggwaffe members as mascots for the PL Dota championships with TF2 hats?" At this point his argument rapidly degenerated, but JEFFRAIDER added "I just want one hat from Chivalry and I'll be chill."

Later in the day CCP Saberwing announced a new 'Vampire' class would be added to Dust in what many believe is an ill conceived ruse to offload some of World of Darkness's assets in order to enhance its appeal to teenage girls. Experts are already fairly certain this will have limited success.

Thursday, 8 May 2014

RUS Block Officially Pronounced Dead

After losing all but one region of their sovereignty the Russian Block was pronounced dead earlier this morning, in what N3 leader progodlegend called his 'easiest and most hilarious victory yet.'

Many people are confused as to how this happened. Despite their foe losing around nine trillion isk in the Battle of BR-5RB three months ago and subsequently being driven back to doorstep of the Dronelands, the tables have completely turned and Russians are running in fear of N3 and Hero. Many have speculated that -A-'s shitness leaked to their allies and caused them to become as awful as them.

During Fanfest The Mittani was said to be 'very much aware' of his ally's critical condition, something that may have contributed to him being seduced by Brave Collective leader Lychton Kondur, who was able to give us some insight into the way he conducts diplomacy. "When I'm looking for a strong coalition partner I look for men with nice beards. I have to say Skier X's is pretty poor in comparison to Mittani's..."

A source in the CFC appeared to back a closer relationship with Brave. "In hindsight, it's easy to see that every non-SOLAR alliance is pretty bad. One of them disbanded, one of them switched sides, one of them is -A- and the others just rolled over and died in terror."

The question on everybody's lips is who Mittani and Lychton allegedly signed the death warrant of. A Brave member pointed out that a move against -A- may not be backed due to euthanasia being illegal in most countries Brave players reside in. GIA spies have also reported that Providence residents are packing their packs so they are ready to leave without a fight should the eyes of Mittani and Lychton turn to them. "Goon... scary" noted a Yulai Federation director.

The post-Russian world now consists of the CFC, N3 and tens of thousands of renters. With almost 19,000 members, the N3PL renting alliances now nearly outnumber the coalition itself, and are now believed to have the same power as all the low-tier alliances in N3 combined. We will see if they are able to use this position to their advantage.

Monday, 21 April 2014

Burn Jita Cancelled Due to Budget Cuts

In a shocking revelation, The Mittani announced today that the long-awaited Burn Jita 3 event will be cancelled this year due to budget cuts. The sudden cancellation was sparked after Greater Western Co-Prosperity Sphere lost a 15bil freighter to a Goonwaffe POS. The loss has crippled the renter alliance's income for this month, and has directly led to the cancellation of many CFC services.

While Burn Jita is the most well-known service cancelled, Goonwaffe's 100% bonus to peacetime reimbursement has also been cut. "The cuts to SRP have been a nightmare," we were told by Bob Starseeker, Goonwaffe's EU recruitment director, "I now only break even from losing ships in PvP, rather than make a ridiculous profit. It appears the days of making Brave Newbies sing for isk are over."

Of course, many who directly oppose the CFC have shown delight at the recent turn of events. Self-proclaimed Goon-haters have literally taken to the streets in celebration, claiming that this is surely the end of Goonswarm's reign of tyranny across highsec. Xenuria, CSM 9 candidate, posted a video on his Youtube channel expressing his delight over the news. An extract from the transcript can be found below.
"Hello... I am Xenuria... in case you can't already tell. And this is the interview where I announce, publicly and officially, my delight at Burn Jita being cancelled. And you may be asking yourself, as I mouth these... deliciously silky words: How does this affect me? Why should I care? And maybe I can answer that with a question... if you're intuitive enough to relate. Do you enjoy the sock puppetry? Do you enjoy Mittani, CCP's buttboy? If the answer is no, then this is amazing news for you. This, my friends, marks the end of Mittani's evil influence over New Eden. CCP's buttboy will surely quit Eve now, dissolving the blue doughnut forever. And remember... vote for Xenuria for CSM 9, because... I'm different... I'm STRAAANGE."
Despite the lack of Burn Jita this year Miniluv have been running freighter ganks around the Jita area and have made some impressive kills. Included in these are a MoA freighter pilot who lost his freighter, then undocked another one, took the same route and subsequently lost it again.

While no Burn Jita this year means many ignorant freighter pilots are safe, thousands of Eve players looking forward to the action will be left disappointed at the lack of hilarious lossmails. This has delighted Ripard Teg to no end, who previously stated he believed all people who laughed at the killmail of an innocent carebear who had been murdered are psychopathic criminals and will go to hell with Erotica 1.

Friday, 18 April 2014

James 315 Permanently Banned for Bullying Highsec Miners

Today, it was announced that CCP have banned Saviour of Highsec James 315 for "repeated harassment of miners across New Eden". The decision has come shortly after the banning of Erotica 1, and was supposedly inspired in the same way - a blog post made by CSM candidate Ripard Teg.

"After being elected to multiple CSMs thanks to my voters, I wanted to give more back to the demographic that elected me. My ban of the psychotic, evil torturer Erotica 1 went some way to that, but I wanted to go further" Ripard told us in an interview. "So I thought, why not just end non-consensual highsec PvP all together? Think about how many highsec carebears with dozens of mining accounts voted for me!" Unfortunately, Ripard could not stay to answer more of our questions, as he was too busy contracting all of his assets to be moved by a Goonswarm recruiter.

Of course, many prominent highsec figures were quick to express their support of CCP's controversial decision. "It's fantastic news for me." Gelvon Goblin told us while hiding from RvB in his new wormhole POS. "Since James 315 and the rest of his New Order are all Mittani alts, it means the Mittani has been banned too. This will finally give me a chance to take a highsec POCO and make MAD ISK!"

The New Order, along with other residents of highsec who possess a brain, have come out as against the move. Claims that banning a player for bullying is against what the game stands for were quickly shot down by CCP, with comments stating that "harassment is morally reprehensible, and verifiable examples of such behaviour will be met with disciplinary action against game accounts in accordance with our Terms of Service."

Regardless of decisions made today, economy experts have predicted that James 315's sudden departure to the game will cause highsec infrastructure to suffer greatly. The cash flow that was generated by the sale of mining permits was integral to the economy as we know it, and its absence may lead to a complete collapse of markets across New Eden. While we at the Eveonion strive to remain neutral in these matters, we hope that the brave men and women of the New Order will continue their leader's legacy by continuing to sell mining permits, and we wish them luck in their endeavour.

Friday, 14 March 2014

The CFC Declares War on Guristas and Serpentis

Following his coalition's successful wars against N3 and BL, space emperor The Mittani announced his coalition would be deploying to their home regions to fight a counter-offensive against their greatest enemy yet: the belt rats and NPCs of the north and west.

This could be the greatest challenge yet faced by the coalition since their formation in 2010. The #1 killer of Goonswarm Federation ships in 2013 and other alliances in the CFC have suffered similar results - media magnate Xander Phoena lost three Ishtars to hit squads of Guristas in anomalies in the month of February alone.

Many have questioned whether the CFC have the ability to win this war. After a successful campaign of mostly-AFK combat in the south, they are hoping to repeat their tactics by using the mighty AFKtar with a newbie doctrine of Vexor Navy Issues and Dominixes with support wings of Noctises, Mobile Tractor Units and Encounter Surveillance Systems.Many speculators have been quick to comment on the controversial inclusion of the ESS - many believe it will harm the CFCs campaign rather than aid it due to the threat of third-party interceptors siding with the NPCs.

It's more than likely we'll also see ratting carriers deployed, with a higher concentration in Delkein. Ratting carriers are one of the Guristas' greatest weaknesses - and they know it. It's likely they'll hire locals including Mordus Angels and Triumvirate. to use their capitals against the carriers. Without their help they'll be powerless against the 10,000 DPS tanked carriers hoovering up Sanctums by the hour.

Enemies of Goonswarm have sneered at the fact that they can be easily defeated by people who can't change their damage type and have easily predictable and well-known fleet compositions and positions. Gevlon Goblin was among these people, and was quick to publicise his hope that this war would allow him to take one or two highsec POCOs. Others are calling this a sneaky rouse by CFC leadership so they have an excuse to not save the Russian block from their inevitable demise at the hands of Hero and N3.

It's unclear how long CFC morale will hold up in this war - losses to NPCs are not eligible for SRP and taking on an organisation that's generally accepted to be immortal with a limitless supply of ships can be intimidating. At any rate it's clear that people who whined about the blue doughnut after B-R5RB are idiots and are not to be trusted.

Sunday, 2 March 2014

Baki Yuku Steals Black Legion Dread Cache After Being in the Alliance for One Day

Renowned cunt and artisan bullshitter Baki Yuku again found himself a source of controversy today, after it emerged he had stolen 57 dreadnoughts and 14 carriers after being in Hover Inc. for just 28 hours. CEO Wirk Hoover was unable to explain 'who let the shitlord in' or how he was given any form of corporate roles.

Some people would point out it's disturbing that Baki Yuku was let into any corp following his period of failure in Test and Insidious Empire. His corp was admitted into Hand of Despair, Darkness of Despair's renter alliance, as part of a plan by Russian and CFC leaders to 'stop him from accidentally causing a fail cascade in one of their alliances. A Goonswarm Federation diplomat explained the situation.
"It was imperative that we kept Baki a safe distance from us, which we achieved by giving his corp a place in HD in return for him not joining any of our alliances on alts. We were worried that even if we said we'd never give him roles, he'd coax some lower level director into giving him roles by firing a volley of bullshit, like 'hey I need starbase config. roles to set up a POS for my 20 titans.' Unfortunately, he escaped on Saturday. We've got no idea were his alts are now, he could transform any of our alliances to shit with the Baki touch at any moment."
The move took most Black Legion members by surprise. Although they saw his application thread on the forums which was subsequently accepted, most thought it was a highly amusing joke. There was 'outrage and disgust' when he actually joined, with many suiciding frigates into the CFC in protest. Baki delivered a short speech to his alliance, in which he stated he planned to use his 'growing number of titans' against the CFC, despite numerous threats that his titans would be awoxed.

With Black Legion on the verge of dying after suffering Baki Yuku, many are asking whether he could be tamed and used against potential enemies. He has now killed three of the four alliances he has been in, a rate greater than any spy has ever achieved. It seems few people are unwilling to approach Baki in case their capital caches disappear or their titans get aborted.

Baki Yuku kindly agreed to speak with me regarding these claims.
"Look I did it for a good reason. I recently bought 86 dreadnought pilots to compliment my 19 titans and 33 supercaps, but I didn't have the dreadnoughts to fly them. I had to borrow some BL dreads because I lost the Test cache, I don't know where it went. I promise I won't do the same thing to the next alliance that accepts me."
People are debating whether Hoover Inc. will be Baki Yuku's last corp. With all alliances in the CFC, Rus and N3 now blacklisting him he may have no choice but to use an alt to steal more capitals. We could see a rare display of coordination across nullsec as all major coalitions attempt to thwart the cache-stealing menace that is Baki Yuku.

Tuesday, 18 February 2014

Many People Angry Due to Hellcamp of O-W778

Research by professional tearologists has pointed to the conclusion that the ongoing CFC hellcamp of 0-W778 is angering large numbers of players. The report also highlighted that a disturbing number of people believe The Mittani acquired his place of resident through real money transfer, and that he also consistently purchases chicken from KFC using the same method of income.

Many of these tears can be seen on the comments sections of Eve News 24 articles, and are generally more illegible and poorly thought out than the posts themselves. This will give you some idea of how bad the situation is. Several comments theoretisied that if everyone stopped visiting Eve's premier news site the leader of the CFC would be forced to abdicate. EN24 commenter and N3 member 'Robo' was particularly anguished at the hellcamp, posting this:
"Bahahahaaa a faggot, ohh wow... Shouldn't you be on TMC sucking mitts cock, guzzling cum, licking your lips of every last slither of jizz. Never had to fire sale anything at all, if ever needed that's why having alts in cfc alliances is useful as well as selling over priced ships to them of course.1 a penny ol boy."
Appropriately named 'Subhuman' gave his theory on why the State of the Goonion was not held on Valentine's Day, inferring Mittani was cheating on his wife with his dog:
"Mittens was too busy with his ... what teh fuck is his dogs breed anyway looks like someone took a real dog and shrank it so he wouldnt feel so inadequate .. date last night"
Many third-party spectators grew worried that the game was being destroyed by the so-called 'miatttani'. One of these people were concerned that corporations in N3 renter corps would be forced to go back to lowsec or highsec, apparently unaware of the fact that both the Russian block and the CFC have renter alliances of their own:
"So its been stated that you don't want to ruin the FUN of the game, yet by destroying a large coalition that is N3 you wipe out all their rental corps which without living behind the banner of N3 would never get to experience nullsec for a majority of them.... But meh it is what it is and the freedom of EVE and the nature of man will always produce some form of Dictator that tries to make their claim in the universe and everyone else just rolls along with it."
erratic1212 displayed his erratic behaviour and noted that despite the fact that the CFC declared war months ago, they 'hasn't done shit', despite playing a large role in the largest battle in Eve's history, pondering the question 'how do you dec war when you're already in one?' He concluded these observations by saying "Just more dork ass mittins spewing propaganda." 

The same man popped up again multiple times in the thread to deliver his valued opinion on the present situation.
"Mitsuck is the biggest shit on this game there is. It would be so much better without him and his cry babie goonturds.Remember all the crying they did after they tried to crash the node and it backfired?"
While of the Grrrr Goons crowd speculated The Mittani RMTed using his alliances income, erratic believes he makes money for his alliance the other way round - by using ad revenue from to give to his alliance. Apparently this would make the CFC completely destitute if everyone chose to boycott the website.
 "Yep, funny how all the suck in the game gathers to take out far lesser forces, cries like little girls when they get spanked, and think they've accomplished something when they win.It truly is pathetic.
 But, hey, Mittens has RMT from his web site, and that is what it's all about.If everyone boycotted that website, you'd see the game change dramatically."
Terrible Name revealed the truth behind the CFC - they're actually led by a combination of Hitler, Darth Sideous and Richard III.
"The problem is people like you don't 'get' goons. They play the fucking Imperial March before Mittens delivers his speech. Goons revel in pretending to be an evil empire lead by Hitler. Its a massive joke for them. Goons dont take this game seriously, and they understand Mittens plays a self aggrandizing propaganda machine spinning narratives like a tornado and they love him for it. Mittens is basically playing Richard the 3rd in space. " again came under attack, with an N3 member again making a Nazi comparison.
"Don't see mittens camping with you eh, grinding in bombers?... Oh yea he wouldn't waste his time doing that, he doesn't need to logg in ever, his lackeys serve their purpose once more.
TMC is a tool for the modern day version of Nazi Germany, you have Mittens as your Dictator, milking income into his wallet while doctrinating the majority of cfc in censored propaganda devout of anything more than half truths at best/ lies at least."
He was backed up by one of his bad-posting kin.
"The truth will out. Think on this goon peons ratting yourself into an early grave .. IF Mittens was not involved in RMT, how could he afford to live in NY AND give up his job. 1.5 cent clicky adverts? I think not." 
Apparently ratting poses some kind of health hazard and can result in you dying early because The Mittani is involved in RMT.

The Tear Research and Investigation Unit put their findings together to produce this graph. We asked leading tearologist Dr. Endie to explain these results to us.
"We can clearly see some disturbing evidence that N3 have become extremely sad after this event, building on the already dangerous levels of discontent that we saw following B-R5RB. These emotions could continue to increase over the next few days; at around 100 Tear Units (TU) we'll begin to see people get so angry they quit their corp, at 150TU the more enraged members will begin to incoherently spam characters in local like highsec miners, then towards 200TU we'll see people ragequit the game and biomass their characters. We've seen some negative TU readings from the CFC, indicating tears of joy and/or happiness, while PL have continued to be chill throughout the month."
It's only a matter of time before the 0-W778 station is flooded with tears of its trapped residents, causing people to drown and die. With the number of respectable arguments made by members of N3, pressure is growing on The Mittani to put a stop to this atrocity.

Monday, 10 February 2014

Next EVE Expansion Is Just Microsoft Excel

Acknowledging that EVE is basically a game for nerds that love spreadsheets, CCP has boldly decided just to hand out copies of Microsoft Excel for their next expansion. Since most of you are in fact nerds and do in fact love Excel, an extra free copy of Microsoft’s popular virginity retainment software will likely be a big hit with fans. Here’s the official, and might I add delicately worded, press release:
“Listen, nerds, don’t deny how much you love numbers, math, and masturbating so we’re gonna phone this one in and give you a free license to Microsoft Excel. We both know you go a big veiny one for spreadsheets so don’t even bother to flame us. And while we’re at it, next up on the product roadmap is in-game integration with (do we know our demographic or WHAT?). Also we’re introducing a ‘Plex for Pizza’ program where Dominos will deliver a hot cheesy circle of garbage straight to your door in exchange for a PLEX. All it takes is the click of the Dominos icon in your Station Services panel.
Of course, once we roll this out to nullsec all the big alliances will drive the price of PLEX down to try to just defeat their enemies by coaxing them into a food coma. We’re all about the meta game here at CCP.”

What follows is pure editorialization on the author’s behalf, which I realize is highly unorthodox for the Eveion which has never posted an untrue thing in its entire history, but I think this move is a game changer. I, for one, can’t even remember the username and password to my PVP toons. I get home from work, pop open a Zima, and roll out multiple Planetary Interaction spreadsheets across my three massive monitors. I then (also did I mention I am naked from the waist down for this part?) marvel on how if I squeeze out 3 more Nanites from Jita IV per day I can make one extra Wetware Mainframe 13 months from now! Haha, take that CCP: I just fucking won EVE. 

Wednesday, 29 January 2014

Grath Telkin's Head Explodes After B-R5RB

Notorious angry fleet commander Grath Telkin was lucky to escape with his life yesterday when his head literally exploded after his alliance lost dozens of supercapitals in Eve's largest ever battle.

The incident kicked off when the first Pandemic Legion titan went down. Fleet members report Grath being unspeakably angry; he was unable to even form a coherent sentence. Things were made severely worse when another 58 titans belonging to his coalition also met their deaths. On top of all this, someone in fleet then claimed they were set up by CCP to promote publicity for Eve Online.

At this point a large explosion was heard on mumble. Fellow PL FC Makalu drove to Grath's house to check he was okay.
"Part of his skull had detatched itself from his head but I placed that where it should have been, it kind of felt like doing one of those 3D jigsaw puzzles. His brain was still intact so I don't think any harm was done there. Then he woke up, told me he 'wanted every dead motherfucker out of the alliance', and tried to insert his microphone into my rectum. He seemed like his usual self to me but I took him to hospital just to be on the safe side."
Grath reportedly suffered from some amnesia, asking if JEFFRAIDER's alt JEFFTHECHEF was a bad person that was going to cook him, but he recovered and remembered the cause of this unusually severe hypertension within a few hours. Grath agreed to speak with me in exchange for a small donation to #AGMARMONEYTEAM.
"I want to make it clear I have seen retarded before, but until tonight I had never seen fucking retarded. I experienced a fucking new level of fucking stupid retardation. I don't even expect a Brave Newbie to be that stupid. Still, it's made me realise that I should stop getting so angry over this game. But I just can't help it when there are so many shitlords in my fucking alliance."
Grath's colleague Shadoo had a reaction that was the polar opposite of his, claiming this defeat was 'long overdue' and he'd been praying for this defeat to happen for several years. Nulli members were asked for comment, but none were available as they had been crushed to death by Lazarus Telraven's throbbing erect penis.

Thursday, 16 January 2014

Icelandic Police Raid CCP's Headquarters After Reports Of Heavy Drug Use

CCP received an unexpected call from the police yesterday after dozens of concerned Eve players attributed the number of borderline-awful ideas coming from the building to drug intake by CCP employees.

The first evidence that CCP were abusing various substances came with the release of the Encounter Surveillance System, also known as the Extra Stupid Structure. This caused outcry among the ratting members of the community, who claimed that only someone who was 'stoned as shit' or 'thoroughly evil' would be capable of making unleashing such a poorly thought out feature. This was then supported by the module changes in the wake of the overheating overhaul, which nerfed both Omegafleet and Wrecking Ball, annoying 90% of nullsec.

The police reported CCP employees seemed 'extremely happy' after their door was destroyed and a few windows smashed. One member of CCP asked the lead officer if he'd care for a cup of tea, while simultaneously stroking a sniffer dog, saying 'good doggy'. A large penis, complete with two testicles, had been drawn on one of the walls in immaculate detail. The two-metre long piece of art was signed by 'CCP Nullabor' in the bottom left-hand corner. More worryingly though, CCP staff then began to tell the police about the upcoming expansion. One of these men happened to be an Eve player, and told the Eve Onion what he saw.
"Fozzie approached me first and started saying 'grrr goons' and ''fuck N3' repeatedly, occasionally saying 'inter-cept-oorrr'. Then some people from Team Super Friends started asking me if I had any good ideas for more mobile strucutres.. Some dude was flying a Rifter-USB hub around like a five year old, complete with sound effects he was making. Then Hillmar appeared in all his glory, with a horned helmet on his head and a trident in his hand, and he shouted 'WE ATE IT ALL.' I'm not sure if he was referring to the player base's hopes and dreams or drugs."
Fortunately, no illicit substances were found at CCP's headquarters. However, there were some arrests made that night. A nullsec citizen pointed out that everyone who thinks the ESS is a good idea must be sitting on a mountain of crack. Sure enough, a person who claimed ratting in nullsec was safer than ratting in highsec was found spinning on the floor after a fruitless attempt to lick his own anus.

It seems this was just a normal day at the CCP office and there was no misdoing by any staff. "Of course we weren't high", claimed Hellmar. "Last time we tried doing that, we ended up with Incarna." Several people have since reported CCP were heavily into drugs during Summer 2011. "I couldn't go through a single meeting with them without hearing them chop lines on the Skype call" says former CSM chairman The Mittani, who wishes to remain anonymous.  

Friday, 10 January 2014

PLEX Launcher to be Added in Rubicon 1.1 Update

A ground-breaking new module was announced by CCP Fozzie today, which allows players to shoot Pilot Licence Extensions at other players in a similar, cosmetic fashion to snowballs and fireworks. CCP have hinted this is just one of many 'highly useful and profitable' updates coming to the game.

The logic behind the post was outlined by CCP Fozzie:
"As you know we currently have a launcher in game which shoots things such as fireworks and snowballs at people passing by, causing absolutely no damage but looking pretty god damn good. Someone pointed out that we didn't have this in place for other commodities such as PLEX, so we decided we'd put this nifty little module in for Rubicon 1.1. 
The PLEX Launcher can hold up to five PLEXes with a cycle time of two seconds - which is of course affected by your skill - and a reload time of five seconds. People may be skeptical of this module, but next time you put some PLEXes in your cargohold and undock, ask yourself this question: would you rather give the pirate your PLEX when you inevitably get ganked or shoot it at him and see some awesome effects?"
The move has proven controversial, as can be seen by the responses in the forum thread. Notorious bad poster blue dehazon added his constructive input to the thread:
"wow, anoher change to benfit pirat. ccp needs to learn the majority of people locted in hghsec. this just gives more power to pirat. what next, we going to have corpse launcher so pirat can launch our corpse? that will give them more reasons to pod us. im going to donate all my isk to gevlon goblin so he can fite pirat then leave game"
Around three minutes after the post was linked in the SOMER Blink channe; all PLEX on the market of major trade hubs disappeared, and buy orders for a staggeringly high amount of escrow were set up. A SOMER spokesperson claimed that Somerset Mahm was behind the manipulation, releasing an official statement on his behalf: "I shall throw money at you, peasants! Money that you cannot pick up! It will be highly amusing!"

Others though this was another case of CCP pandering to stupid people. Self-proclaimed intelligent person Mayhistaaaa replied to the thread:
"I know what's really happened at CCP's so called 'offices'. Some dude who lost PLEX filled out that questionnaire you get when you unsub and said if he knew that were going to happen he would've shot it at the guy instead. What's more, I've got evidence that the guy who did that was CCP Hellmar - he tricked his own staff into developing something that would make more money from lost PLEX."
Players have generally agreed this is still the best feature that has been implemented in Rubicon so far. Many are now pushing for an Archon disintegrator which instantly obliterates all carriers on grid and their pods.

Wednesday, 8 January 2014

CCP Hints No One Gives a Fuck About Faction Warfare

After years of neglect from EVE journalists and some benign scorn from nullsec alliances CCP has confirmed what we've all been wondering. CCP DickNose gave Eve Onion this exclusive interview while LP farming:

First of all, it’s called god damn Factional Warfare! Anyway, we've been just crushed with work trying to get those CSM8 meeting minutes together so we thought we’d give Factional Warfare a bit of attention since it’s been quiet on that front for a while: Nobody gives a fuck about it. There. We said it. Plus, we’re kinda busy dangling a carrot in front of L4 runners and then bludgeoning them with the throbbing erection of hi-sec gankers.

Here’s some behind the scenes info. At first we were like, ‘Yeah, I think we found a great place for old null alliances to go to die.’ But then we saw the potential to further popularize the first person shooting juggernaut known as DUST and we couldn't resist. We worked tirelessly to integrate EVE and DUST into one seamless universe. In DUST, you and your team muddle through some gameplay and take over some sector, or area, or base or something. Then, in EVE, there’s a planet icon with a percentage underneath it that changes how much a white bar fills in your HUD. That's some revolutionary cross-genre shit right there!"

At this point in the discussion CCP DickNose noticed an Atron on short outside his novice complex and promptly warped to a safe. He wisely fitted every available low slot with a warp stab and didn't bother bringing any drones or weapons – but you never can be too careful…
"Whoa that was close. Anyway, while we’re pleased to see that Caldari/Gallente space is nothing but an ATM for some of the *cough* null alliances, we’re equally amused to stroll through Amarr/Minmatar space where literally nothing ever happens. It’s an impressive feat, I think, to so accurately model the vast nothingness of space like we did in Amarr/Minmatar lo-sec."
My conversation with CCP DickNose continued for some time. At one point in the conversation he idled at a gate in 1.0 space where he was blapped unceremoniously by a war target. “Damn you, CONCORD!!” he cried whilst vigorously squeezing his empty Mountain Dew bottle. “I had a shitload of tags from Destroyer rats!”

Looking defeated, he concluded our interview with a sigh of relief saying “I can’t wait until the next expansion comes out and we ban PVP in hi-sec. Undocking a faction-fit Rifter with 10 PLEXes in the hold free of worry is every capsuleer’s God-given right.”

Saturday, 4 January 2014

Hisec Nidhoggur Loss Ruled Suicide

A Nidhoggur was recently killed in Amarr by capsuleer Billy Hardcore  on the 23rd December. Hisec capitals, rare exceptions to a mechanic which has stood since 2007, are heavily constrained by GM-set rules on what they can do. In this case, it was not lasers, bombs, nor even raw cunning that sealed the ship’s fate: it was simply bullied to death by various capsuleers in local.

This reporter spoke to several of those involved in the fall of the ship. One random local denizen said, “It was hilarious. I called him a ‘Minmatard’ and he broke down and started crying. His space-tears were delicious.” Another, one of those in the cap chain which supported Mr. Hardcore, responded differently, “It was really funny until one of the guys in the cap chain shot [the carrier] and got us all Concordokken’d.” Speaking to killer, he was proud of the accomplishment. “These hisec capitals, they’re abominations” said Mr. Hardcore, “I think he accepted the duel after I called his ship a ‘nidder’, which is perfectly accurate. Those dirty Minmatar should know not to fly their trash in glorious Amarr space.”

I was lucky enough to get ahold of Chribba, meeting him in his office. After snorting a mountain of Veldspar dust in a way that was remarkably similar to the infamous cocaine scene in Scarface, he spoke to me:
“These... scrubs who are losing capitals in Hisec. I give them the option to join the glorious Veldfleet, and they refuse. What do they expect? To use capitals with impunity in MY SYSTEM? They are fools. I promise to crush all those who dare go up against the mighty Veldfleet!”
There is no word from CCP as to whether the tactic of bullying targets to death will be reevaluated and - given Eve’s reputation - there likely will be no changes in the future. In other news, players with expensive ships and clumsy fingers are urged to check the option to “automatically refuse duel requests” to prevent embarrassing lossmails.

Thursday, 2 January 2014

Mobile Tractor Unit Turns on Owner and Violently Beats Him to Death

Highsec carebear Melvin Earl received a nasty surprise today when a Mobile Tractor Unit turned on him, destroying both his Rattlesnake and Tengu. This is an escalation of shenanigans involving Mobile Tractor Units which have come to light in the past few days.

It's believed Melvin's collection of Mobile Tractor Units were disgusted by his bad posting on the Eve Online forums, and waited for their chance to kill him. The opportunity arose when Melvin started his daily mission running in Osmon. He began to notice something was wrong when three of his missile launchers disappeared from his ship. He returned to the station to refit the Dread Guristas Torpedo Launchers, only to have them disappear again after several minutes.

At this point Melvin started to Fraps his activities. After all, modules don't simply disappear into thin air. 10 minutes went by and all his modules were still there. Breathing a sigh of relief, he got on with his mission. Suddenly the Rattlesnake's tank had started to fail. Its pilot remained unaware of this as he had gone AFK and left his drones behind to do his work for him. He returned to his keyboard at the last minute as the Rattlesnake entered armour. "Why is this happen!" he shouted in local. He looked to the right of his HUD, and saw his Caldari Navy Invulnerability Fields were no longer there.

Sadly the Rattlesnake could not be saved. When the lossmail was opened Melvin noticed there were no midslots save for two Shield Boost Amplifiers. Melvin immediately petitioned this and whined in local. He then boarded his Tengu to finish the mission off. Having smote the rats in the name of the Sisters of Eve, he looked to see what goodies his Mobile Tractor Unit had collected for him. He looked in the structure's cargobay and saw the modules that should have been in his Rattlesnake's midslots.

He sent his petition in at once under the 'stuck' category; this was clearly some kind of Goon magic. By the time he had finished writing his carefully thought out petition he returned to the game to find his Tengu had been stripped naked of modules. A block of red was creeping from the right of the hull bar to the left, despite him having no shield or armour damage, with a visual red beam running from the Mobile Tractor Unit to his ship.

Then he was in a pod. He looked in the Mobile Tractor Unit to find a Tengu hull, five subsystems and the ship's modules. It was time to write a new petition, one greater and more persuasive than ever before. Melvin kindly shared the text with us:

"Hello CCP, I am writing to complain about your massively multiplied online game eve online. Today I was running missions as normal when my rattlesnake was destroyed because my tractor took my tanking modules. Someone is behind this, possibly the mittani or some other goon, but probably the mittani. I heard dabigblueboat can also hack shit so could you please check him as well. Im going to tell everyone I see in your stupid game to play WoW because its better than this shit. Also, im going to have to make another forum post warning people about how shit goons are, could you please tell the police to arrest them."

This is only the second recorded incident of a mobile structure killing the person who dropped it, the first being a Small Mobile Siphon Unit which was dropped in Providence and tried to run away to richer areas of space.