Tuesday, 6 August 2013

Proviblock Speaks on the Civil War

Recently, the roleplaying alliance of CVA and their lowly pets were divided. The cause of this tragic split in the relationship of pet and master is believed to be an incident during a NRDS raid on WoW, which has since caused no end of inconvenience for the ratting hordes of Provibros.

CVA declared that one of their smaller cats was to be evicted (rehomed) immediatly. Many other cats, dogs, and even individual ants answered CVA's call in an attempt to gain prime arse licking position, and proceeded to try to put Of Sound Mind in an animal rescue centre. I spoke to Equinox Daedalus, Executor of CVA and crippled pets, who told me about why they travelled down this dark parth. He was kind enough to give me an interview:
Tubrug1: Hello sir!
Equinox Daedalus: Hail! I am Equinox Daedalus, prophet of the mighty Amarr empire in the kingdom of Providence and Azeroth.
Tubrug1: So tell me E-dog, why would you get rid of Sound over such a trivial matter?
Equinox Daedalus: The mighty and glorious kingdom of Amarr was concerned about the behaviour of an Of Sound Mind player while performing a 10-man Heroic Dragon Soul raid. He alpahed the trigger, getting himself killed and delaying the whole party by the ten seconds it took to rez him. This was a devastating blow to our efficiency, leaving us with no choice other than to expel his alliance from Providence.
Tubrug1: I see... So anyway, the war doesn't seem to be going in Proviblocks's favour doesn't it? Thanks to external influence Sound's two systems seem to be unsinkable.
Equinox Daedalus: We've petitioned the gods to try to stop these interlopers from interfering. It's not fair that these completely random moon rich dicks come along to Providence and think they can get away with killing members of the mighty Amarr empire. They should at least get -5 standings to Amarr, that way they'd think twice about being complete dicks. And those Brave Newbie fuckers, don't get me started on them. They used hacks to get bombers, they used hacks to drop bombs perfectly and they used hacks to stop them from taking damage.
Tubrug1: Those are some quite perplexing reactions. I'd like to ask you a few questions from our readers, the most popular of which was 'are you mad?'
-Equinox Daedalus leaves convo-
-You are not allowed to contact Equinox Daedalus-

I asked a member of the Yulai Federation, another pet alliance based in north-east Providence, about his participation in the war. He replied "wat war!" followed by "i dont now who u r but I think i should report u 2 of sound mind, their the best pvps in provi, they can completely ASSault any1. id be scared of them if they declared warr on us, it would be rlly scary." After I bought Nimrodion up to speed with the recent change in politics, he informed be that I was a "'fcking cent' and should "fuck off back to licking G00N ass u little pussy cum 2 provi and fight me!!!11!"

Of Sound Mind seem to be very optimistic about the future, telling me they received a massive morale boost thanks to Brave Collective. A Fleet Commander told me "The battle over the station timer wasn't going too well, but then we saw 20 Brave Collective bombers decloak and throw bombs at their fleet. It was like that scene in the Lord of the Rings were the eagles were coming, and I said the Eagles are coming. It would've been better if they were actually using Eagles but they weren't. It also feels pretty good not having to do what those role playing c***s tell me to do, they were annoying twats and we never liked them anyway."

Rumour has it that CVA's arse is losing its nourishing and protective flavour and more alliances are on the verge of leaving the orgy that is the ProviBlock. Time will decide both the fate of the region and of the many alliances living in CVA's cosy rectum.

Sunday, 4 August 2013

SOMER Blink Disbands, Somerset Mahm Collapses Eve Economy

SOMER Blink, Eve's most popular lottery, has folded after almost three years of trading on the dawn of their one quadrillion isk celebration. Somerset Mahm, the public figurehead behind the scam, was revealed to be the alt of a senior Goonswarm Federation director. The 300 trillion isk of profit the organisation has made has been taken and used to cripple the economy.

Nearly every single item of note was bought in highsec by a series of similarly named characters. This was quickly noted by traders and customers. The Jita market was the first tradehub to be affected, and within half an hour every non-officer and non-scam priced item in the Forge region had disappeared from the market. People attempted to relist their personal stockpile of items, but nearly all of them were purchased within minutes. Before the news could spread, the Domain, Sinq Laison and Heimatar regions were emptied as well.

Hours later, after nearly every item in empire space and many in nullsec had been stockpiled by these mysterious figures, the SOMER Blink website displayed the message "The Mittani Sends his Regards", every account was shown to be empty of isk and there were no blinks on the board. Blinkers initially believed that the website had been hacked, but after there was no response from Blink staff, they began to assume the worst.

Four hours after the economic apocalypse struck, social armageddon began to loom. Unable to acquire new ships, people began to panic. As droves of people flocked to social media such as Reddit and Twitter to find out what was going on, a new article appeared on themittani.com, titled "The Economic Changes and You", authored by The Mittani.

The post began "As many of you may have noticed, earlier today nearly every product on Eve's markets ceased to be listed. Some of you may have also noticed that SOMER Blink ceased trading minutes later. This is not coincidental. Let me take you back to January 2009, at the height of the Great War. It was at this time the idea of a 'lottery scam' was first proposed to enable economic warfare to influence BoB's markets, however the war abruptly ended weeks later. The idea was forgotten until we came up with a shortlist of ideas that could fuck the economy. The Gallente Ice Interdiction and Burn Jita(s) were conceived, but they looked as weak as Test when compared to our ultimate plan - SOMER Blink.

We weren't too sure we would be able to become large enough with our ludicrously large profit margins, but to our relief the site began to pick up steam and before we knew it we had nearly given away one quadrillion isk, while making nearly 300 trillion isk in profit. The amount we spent today was a mere drop in the ocean, it only cost us 5 trillion isk to buy every item on the market. Thanks to stupid pubbie fucks, if we relist every product at 10x the price we'll be able to do this indefinitely."

This is likely the greatest triumph any alliance has ever achieved in the history of Eve. The only markets left untouched were the CFC's home regions, causing a breakdown of the economy everywhere else. The more organised alliances will be able to trade ships and minerals using contracts for now, but weaker alliances will probably collapse. Highsec is under even greater strain, with the vast majority of pilots having no access to ships, or anything else on the market.

Attempts have been made to rally the entire forces of Eve against the CFC in a last ditch attempt to prevent the alliance from gaining the strength it needs to take over the entirety of nullsec. Unfortunately the majority of highsec residents are still not aware that Eve is a multiplayer game, and still don't understand why Blink isn't working, the Providence block have decided to settle their civil war on WoW, and PL are too busy mining enough ice to be able to move their grounded supercap fleet.

I spoke to one of the most prominent Blinkers, Replacement 234, about the revelation. He said "I'm slightly pissed off that Somerset Mahm betrayed everyone like that. I never actually made a profit from my blinking, I just kept playing blink because I had nothing else to do with the billions of isk I made from station trading. I didn't have a clue I was funding Goonswarm's evil plan for universal domination, and I'd like to apologise unreservedly to all Eve players who's experience I've ruined."

Riverini has not taken the news well. In an EN24 post, he said "I tried to told everyone that GOON RUINS EVE. But instead I got told to fuck off, and everyone said that EN24 was shit because I kept telling everyone that GOON is bad. now look who's fucking laughing, Gevlon had been trying to tell me this would happen for months. If I were on CSM, I could persuade CCP to make a new server for non GOONS, but instead you had to fucking not vote for me you fucking dicks. Now noone will be able to play on tranquillity for years because you gave all the fucking GOONS money, even though I fucking told you not to. You don't deserve to have a market you dicks.

The amount of isk Goonswarm currently possesses is roughly equal to what everyone else in Eve possesses, meaning it is likely to take years for them to run out of money, and will take even longer if they relist the products. Test were mostly unaffected by the change, since they had been relying on their Ibis doctrine since the fall of Fountain. One noobship pilot proudly told me "I didn't even use the market to get this ship, and it had a free Tritanium in it!" In this new version of Eve, Test remains the CFC's greatest foe.