Thursday, 16 January 2014

Icelandic Police Raid CCP's Headquarters After Reports Of Heavy Drug Use

CCP received an unexpected call from the police yesterday after dozens of concerned Eve players attributed the number of borderline-awful ideas coming from the building to drug intake by CCP employees.

The first evidence that CCP were abusing various substances came with the release of the Encounter Surveillance System, also known as the Extra Stupid Structure. This caused outcry among the ratting members of the community, who claimed that only someone who was 'stoned as shit' or 'thoroughly evil' would be capable of making unleashing such a poorly thought out feature. This was then supported by the module changes in the wake of the overheating overhaul, which nerfed both Omegafleet and Wrecking Ball, annoying 90% of nullsec.

The police reported CCP employees seemed 'extremely happy' after their door was destroyed and a few windows smashed. One member of CCP asked the lead officer if he'd care for a cup of tea, while simultaneously stroking a sniffer dog, saying 'good doggy'. A large penis, complete with two testicles, had been drawn on one of the walls in immaculate detail. The two-metre long piece of art was signed by 'CCP Nullabor' in the bottom left-hand corner. More worryingly though, CCP staff then began to tell the police about the upcoming expansion. One of these men happened to be an Eve player, and told the Eve Onion what he saw.
"Fozzie approached me first and started saying 'grrr goons' and ''fuck N3' repeatedly, occasionally saying 'inter-cept-oorrr'. Then some people from Team Super Friends started asking me if I had any good ideas for more mobile strucutres.. Some dude was flying a Rifter-USB hub around like a five year old, complete with sound effects he was making. Then Hillmar appeared in all his glory, with a horned helmet on his head and a trident in his hand, and he shouted 'WE ATE IT ALL.' I'm not sure if he was referring to the player base's hopes and dreams or drugs."
Fortunately, no illicit substances were found at CCP's headquarters. However, there were some arrests made that night. A nullsec citizen pointed out that everyone who thinks the ESS is a good idea must be sitting on a mountain of crack. Sure enough, a person who claimed ratting in nullsec was safer than ratting in highsec was found spinning on the floor after a fruitless attempt to lick his own anus.

It seems this was just a normal day at the CCP office and there was no misdoing by any staff. "Of course we weren't high", claimed Hellmar. "Last time we tried doing that, we ended up with Incarna." Several people have since reported CCP were heavily into drugs during Summer 2011. "I couldn't go through a single meeting with them without hearing them chop lines on the Skype call" says former CSM chairman The Mittani, who wishes to remain anonymous.  

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