Monday, 10 February 2014

Next EVE Expansion Is Just Microsoft Excel

Acknowledging that EVE is basically a game for nerds that love spreadsheets, CCP has boldly decided just to hand out copies of Microsoft Excel for their next expansion. Since most of you are in fact nerds and do in fact love Excel, an extra free copy of Microsoft’s popular virginity retainment software will likely be a big hit with fans. Here’s the official, and might I add delicately worded, press release:
“Listen, nerds, don’t deny how much you love numbers, math, and masturbating so we’re gonna phone this one in and give you a free license to Microsoft Excel. We both know you go a big veiny one for spreadsheets so don’t even bother to flame us. And while we’re at it, next up on the product roadmap is in-game integration with (do we know our demographic or WHAT?). Also we’re introducing a ‘Plex for Pizza’ program where Dominos will deliver a hot cheesy circle of garbage straight to your door in exchange for a PLEX. All it takes is the click of the Dominos icon in your Station Services panel.
Of course, once we roll this out to nullsec all the big alliances will drive the price of PLEX down to try to just defeat their enemies by coaxing them into a food coma. We’re all about the meta game here at CCP.”

What follows is pure editorialization on the author’s behalf, which I realize is highly unorthodox for the Eveion which has never posted an untrue thing in its entire history, but I think this move is a game changer. I, for one, can’t even remember the username and password to my PVP toons. I get home from work, pop open a Zima, and roll out multiple Planetary Interaction spreadsheets across my three massive monitors. I then (also did I mention I am naked from the waist down for this part?) marvel on how if I squeeze out 3 more Nanites from Jita IV per day I can make one extra Wetware Mainframe 13 months from now! Haha, take that CCP: I just fucking won EVE. 

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