Wednesday, 30 October 2013

Carebears Demand Right to be Euthanised

There was a rare display of unity across highsec yesterday as thousands of carebears agreed they should be given the right to end their own lives. They gathered in spirit across New Eden and began spamming local with a variety of non-existant words, even putting forth a CSM member for the first time in recent years.

The protests kicked off at 16:31 on Tuesday 29th October, when a miner named Jennifer en Marland commented in local "mining is so boring why cant I just kill my character". This was echoed by several other Hulks in the 0.6 security system with calls such as "yeah, why cant we just kill ourselves" and "CCP should add a feature that lets you kill your character, maybe call it 'biomassing' or something". The Anti-Ganking channel acted as a catalyst for the carebears, who began chanting in local "BIOMASS BIOMASS BIOMASS".

People who told the carebears such a feature already existed were violently struck down and told they should biomass themselves when they won the right to euthanasia. CCP has already taken notice of their sudden change of stance; Icelandic players reported seeing CCP staff who had collapsed from laughter being taken to hospital on the local news. At 20:44 alexhunter seyah emerged as highsec's latest CSM candidate, saying in Amarr local "I will run to CSM". Around an hour later a forum post from him appeared in the Price Checks subforum before being moved helpfully moved to Jita Park Speaker's Corner. The post is reproduced for the convenience below:
"my name is alexhunter seyah and I want the right to kill myself. To long have us highsec miners, mision runners and incursion joggers suffered boring and mundane lives. with some kind of mechanic to let us die we can safely quit eve without anyone searching our characters and thinking 'wow, that guy was a faliure'. wel'l also be safe in the knowledge no goon will ever hack our accounts and steal our mining barges because there will be no more mining barges. Future carebears will forever admire the people who ensured they could run away from a game they were bad at. as an sign of goodwill I will hug the Mittani at fanfest if someone tells me where it is. Please note that as soon as we win suicide I will suicide and not be CSM anymore." 
 James 315 said he was most most perplexed by the change in the attitude of carebears, but in a 16794 word TMC article he concluded it would be good for the game. "The cancer of Eve will be cured" he noted. "Long gone will be the days of people autopiloting their Exhumers through nullsec then whining when they get killed. No longer will every Eve player be subject to their complete stupidity and ignorance that is more physiologically damaging than your brain mangled with a coat hanger. We shall be free." The Saviour of Highsec also gently encouraged biomassing miners to donate their funds to the New Order so they would be remembered as slightly less of a failure - which has allegedly had limited success already.

Miniluv was said to be in chaos after the carebear riots. "It doesn't make any sense... THE WORLD'S GONE WRONG HELP GOD" said one ganker before going offline for several hours. It does pose a danger to the success of future ice interdictions - as they fundamentally can't work if there's no ice to interdict. Many nullsec alliances turned to shooting nullbears and renters, who upon hearing the call of their brethren began to migrate to highsec. One bewildered player almost accidentally self-destructed his freighter when he saw the constant stream of Tengus passing him. "It was fucking terrifying, they were everywhere."

With alexhunter seyah's support, carebears across Eve could finally get the right to put their characters down after suffering years of agony. In the meantime society in Eve has completely broken down; combined with other recent events such as Goonswarm complaining about a griefing mechanic, some now believe the real Eve has been stolen by the CIA and replaced with a fake version. Many players remain confused and worried.

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