Wednesday, 20 January 2016

Highsec CSM Candidate Admits He Knows Fuck All About Eve

The Eve community was in shock yesterday after one CSM candidate who has never entered a lowsec system confessed his knowledge of the game did not extend beyond the ability to lock targets, activate modules, warp around and dock.

Nico Zeuron commanded the support of three small highsec mining corps, with a combined total of eleven members. He had been assured he would at least be #4 on the ballots of two of these corps, before these disturbing new allegations came to light. Nico had assured his followers that he was a PVP veteran. "I once killed a suspect Thrasher on the undock in Jita. That's a Gallente battlecruiser", he clarified. "Chat shit get banged, that's my motto".

Zeuron's platform had been based around implementing an 'offline mode' to Eve so 'psychopaths cant go around killing peacful [sic] people', as well as significantly boosting yields to highsec ores. He then came unstuck when prospective voters started asking questions. The budding miner turned to a close friend to decipher terminology he was unfamiliar with, such as 'wardecs' and 'lowsec'.

It quickly became apparent that the Zeuron actually had the same level of Eve knowledge as a three hour old player. He later admitted he had not yet entered a system with a security lower than 0.8, saying he was scared James 315 himself would be waiting for him on the other side. We tried to contact Nico to clarify his side of the story but he had auto-reject on and his CSPA set to 1mil isk.

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