Imperium leader The Mittani said he was 'lucky to be alive' today after he had a near death encounter with a tree near his home in Madison, Wisconsin.
According to GIA intelligence the tree, a 200-year old Pine, had been plotting to bait Mittani into coming near it when he was walking to his weekly LARPing session. It then intended to ambush him once he was close enough. This persuaded him to take another route, sadly resulting in him being mugged.
However he maintained that the outcome was preferable to being baited out by the tree. 'I'm so glad I wasn't stupid enough to walk past that tree', he told Eve Onion. 'We've known there was something dodgy going on there since last Thursday. Also that tree's morale is probably pretty low right now, I've just managed to foil its ~grand plan~. That's the whole reason it's here, and I didn't give it what it wanted.'
The episode has been recorded as yet another victory for the Imperium. The tree was not available for comment.
Credit to Lucia Denniard for article idea.
Tuesday, 29 March 2016
Monday, 28 March 2016
Imperium Alliances Celebrate Annual 'Supreme Leader's Day'
A public holiday dedicated to The Mittani is being observed by members of the Imperium today. March 28, or the 'Day of the Sun', as it is known in the North of nullsec, gives Imperium members a chance to thank their leader for his blessings.
Loyal comrades in LAWN and Bastion were among the most grateful this year. 'We are so happy that The Mittani freed us from the burden of sov' said one LAWN member, shortly after placing flowers outside VFK. 'Now we have the opportunity to prove our loyalty by defending His space rather than our own.'
In his annual Day of the Sun address, Mittani attacked the 'great infidel Saladin-al-Fozzie' for his efforts to undermine the security of his loyal people through his rework of sov. He assured his followers the foe besieging the North could be repelled as long as 'we stay true to each other and you stay true to me'. The audience burst into applause, and thanked The Mittani for taking the time to grace them with his presence.
An SMA member who failed to remember the occasion was found mining in a belt. Outraged by his lack of respect for their dear leader, his corp turned him over to Goonswarm and he was subsequently doxxed repeatedly.
Loyal comrades in LAWN and Bastion were among the most grateful this year. 'We are so happy that The Mittani freed us from the burden of sov' said one LAWN member, shortly after placing flowers outside VFK. 'Now we have the opportunity to prove our loyalty by defending His space rather than our own.'
In his annual Day of the Sun address, Mittani attacked the 'great infidel Saladin-al-Fozzie' for his efforts to undermine the security of his loyal people through his rework of sov. He assured his followers the foe besieging the North could be repelled as long as 'we stay true to each other and you stay true to me'. The audience burst into applause, and thanked The Mittani for taking the time to grace them with his presence.
An SMA member who failed to remember the occasion was found mining in a belt. Outraged by his lack of respect for their dear leader, his corp turned him over to Goonswarm and he was subsequently doxxed repeatedly.
Thursday, 24 March 2016
gigx Self-Destructs CO2 After Crushing Defeat
The elite Imperium alliance known as 'Circle of Two' has sadly folded after its leader initiated a self-destruct command on the organisation.
Shortly after losing another battle in Vale, gigx told his members he was about to do what should have been done two years ago. Moments afterwards, all members of the alliance received a notification telling them 'gigx has initiated self-destruct of their alliance, it will explode in 120 seconds.'
There have been growing cries among SMA's nineteen active members for their leadership to also pull the plug on their alliance to avoid being humiliated any further by Test's memes. Sadly, none of their leaders have been seen in several days and are unable to respond to their line member's requests. They have, however, managed to learn some tactics from CO2, and a fleet successfully self-destructed their Tengu's after an encounter with a Pandemic Horde interceptor.
Goonswarm leadership are believed to be 'upset' the size of their zoo had once again diminished, but reminded their valued allies Asher is always on call to bail them out.
Shortly after losing another battle in Vale, gigx told his members he was about to do what should have been done two years ago. Moments afterwards, all members of the alliance received a notification telling them 'gigx has initiated self-destruct of their alliance, it will explode in 120 seconds.'
There have been growing cries among SMA's nineteen active members for their leadership to also pull the plug on their alliance to avoid being humiliated any further by Test's memes. Sadly, none of their leaders have been seen in several days and are unable to respond to their line member's requests. They have, however, managed to learn some tactics from CO2, and a fleet successfully self-destructed their Tengu's after an encounter with a Pandemic Horde interceptor.
Goonswarm leadership are believed to be 'upset' the size of their zoo had once again diminished, but reminded their valued allies Asher is always on call to bail them out.
Sunday, 31 January 2016
CCP Declares Plot to Stop Sion Kumitomo Running for CSM XI Has Been a Great Success
The intrigue of CSMGate#72 has deepened after it emerged that CCP had been working to depose Sion from the CSM ever since he announced he was running for it.
An anonymous CCP source told the Eve Onion that this scheme had been in the works for quite some time.
Credit to Niden for the article idea, his wallet will be enriched by 42,000,069 isk. If you would also like your wallet to be enriched and you have an idea for an article, send it to Tubrug1.
An anonymous CCP source told the Eve Onion that this scheme had been in the works for quite some time.
"Earlier this year we asked Jeff Edwards if he'd like to write a book on Eve. Naturally he accepted, but we told him we're pretty shit at businesses and told him he should do it for The Mittani's website. We knew mittens see the opportunity to make money and accept it, and we also knew that he would manage to fuck up the Kickstarter so it didn't get funded, which would prompt Sion to throw a few fits and become hated by the player base. Now we could exclude TMC executives from running by rightly pointing out they are a business and may have a conflict of interest. Voila, we won't have to deal with Sion next year."This isn't the first time an intricate scheme has been worked out to overthrow a CSM though.
"Back in 2012 we were faced with the prospect of having mittens on the CSM for yet another year, and that's not something anyone wants. Just before the alliance presentation started I handed him some vodka and told him 'if you drink this you'll get bare keks out of the audience.' He took my advice and told someone to kill himself. Absolutely shameful behaviour. We had no choice but to remove him from the CSM after that."We were assured that CCP are hard at work to find a way to dispose of Xenuria. Allegedly it's such high priority that every staff member at Rejavik is working on it, pushing back the release of Citadels by at least two months. Most players have accepted the delay is reasonable.
Credit to Niden for the article idea, his wallet will be enriched by 42,000,069 isk. If you would also like your wallet to be enriched and you have an idea for an article, send it to Tubrug1.
Sunday, 24 January 2016
/r/eve Reader Contracts AIDS, Hepatitis C and Ebola From Badpost
The Eve subreddit has been placed under quarantine after an innocent bystander was hospitalised due to coming into contact with what bystanders described as a 'truly horrific post'.
It's believed notorious /r/eve denizen Derty Dan was responsible for the offending literature. Fortunately Gorksi Car happened to stumble upon the thread while on active mod duty and was able to remove the dangerous comment before it could do any more damage. Gorski suffered only minor injuries, caused by his head dropping onto his desk.
Sion Kumitomo was quick to again point out the danger /r/eve posed to the health of the game.. Speaking to the Eve Onion, he said "High calibre authors will look at this and think 'wow these faggots can't post for shit'. No one will want to deal with 'that shitposting community.' This will deprive Eve of new players and it will die."
Derty, who came close to scooping /r/eve 2015 poster of the year award, was reported to be distraught after he heard the news. It's rumoured he has gone into a self-imposed exile in which he plans travel around the world to meet the finest posters bestowed upon the human race. Doctors caring for the anonymous victim have tried to reverse the damage by exposing him to /r/evedreddit. However, this has only made his condition worse.
It's believed notorious /r/eve denizen Derty Dan was responsible for the offending literature. Fortunately Gorksi Car happened to stumble upon the thread while on active mod duty and was able to remove the dangerous comment before it could do any more damage. Gorski suffered only minor injuries, caused by his head dropping onto his desk.
Sion Kumitomo was quick to again point out the danger /r/eve posed to the health of the game.. Speaking to the Eve Onion, he said "High calibre authors will look at this and think 'wow these faggots can't post for shit'. No one will want to deal with 'that shitposting community.' This will deprive Eve of new players and it will die."
Derty, who came close to scooping /r/eve 2015 poster of the year award, was reported to be distraught after he heard the news. It's rumoured he has gone into a self-imposed exile in which he plans travel around the world to meet the finest posters bestowed upon the human race. Doctors caring for the anonymous victim have tried to reverse the damage by exposing him to /r/evedreddit. However, this has only made his condition worse.
Wednesday, 20 January 2016
Highsec CSM Candidate Admits He Knows Fuck All About Eve
The Eve community was in shock yesterday after one CSM candidate who has never entered a lowsec system confessed his knowledge of the game did not extend beyond the ability to lock targets, activate modules, warp around and dock.
Nico Zeuron commanded the support of three small highsec mining corps, with a combined total of eleven members. He had been assured he would at least be #4 on the ballots of two of these corps, before these disturbing new allegations came to light. Nico had assured his followers that he was a PVP veteran. "I once killed a suspect Thrasher on the undock in Jita. That's a Gallente battlecruiser", he clarified. "Chat shit get banged, that's my motto".
Zeuron's platform had been based around implementing an 'offline mode' to Eve so 'psychopaths cant go around killing peacful [sic] people', as well as significantly boosting yields to highsec ores. He then came unstuck when prospective voters started asking questions. The budding miner turned to a close friend to decipher terminology he was unfamiliar with, such as 'wardecs' and 'lowsec'.
It quickly became apparent that the Zeuron actually had the same level of Eve knowledge as a three hour old player. He later admitted he had not yet entered a system with a security lower than 0.8, saying he was scared James 315 himself would be waiting for him on the other side. We tried to contact Nico to clarify his side of the story but he had auto-reject on and his CSPA set to 1mil isk.
Nico Zeuron commanded the support of three small highsec mining corps, with a combined total of eleven members. He had been assured he would at least be #4 on the ballots of two of these corps, before these disturbing new allegations came to light. Nico had assured his followers that he was a PVP veteran. "I once killed a suspect Thrasher on the undock in Jita. That's a Gallente battlecruiser", he clarified. "Chat shit get banged, that's my motto".
Zeuron's platform had been based around implementing an 'offline mode' to Eve so 'psychopaths cant go around killing peacful [sic] people', as well as significantly boosting yields to highsec ores. He then came unstuck when prospective voters started asking questions. The budding miner turned to a close friend to decipher terminology he was unfamiliar with, such as 'wardecs' and 'lowsec'.
It quickly became apparent that the Zeuron actually had the same level of Eve knowledge as a three hour old player. He later admitted he had not yet entered a system with a security lower than 0.8, saying he was scared James 315 himself would be waiting for him on the other side. We tried to contact Nico to clarify his side of the story but he had auto-reject on and his CSPA set to 1mil isk.
Thursday, 5 November 2015
Excerpt From Fountain War Book Leaked
An extract from Jeff Edward's controversial new book based on Eve was posted to reddit earlier today, recounting the early days of the Fountain war.
"Dabigredboat looked up from his screen. He had just read how Imperium forces had been successfully contested a shield I-Hub timer in NOL-M9 on New Eden's premiere news site, www.themittani.com. 'I'm sure glad The Mittani's smooth leadership and charisma is enough to keep 35,000 faggots in line', he mused to himself.
Noting Test would probably be too cowardly to come out for another fight for today, the captain returned to his antiquated 42,000 year old PC from the planet known as Earth. Although most of the components had to be replaced, his Nvidia graphics card, noted for its extreme processing ability and sheer durability, still worked just fine. He loaded up his favourite game H1Z1, awarded the 'Most Timeless Zombie Survival Game Award' in YC113. He was in the privileged position of having a special 'His Regards' Machete, which he redeemed from the themittani.com welcome pack along with a decent helmet and an alright shirt.
Meanwhile Kcolor, one of the leaders of the Imperium's bombing squad, was sitting cloaked in a backwater system in Delve. Suddenly, an enemy Nyx-class ship warped to the anomaly he was in. Kcolor tried to motivate himself to summon a fleet of Imperium ships to destroy the krab but he could not do it; he had fallen victim to Hearthstone's exciting and entertaining gameplay. 'It's okay, it's Test so he'll probably forget to turn his tank on and get killed by Blood Raiders', he told himself."
Backers have praised the writing style, with the author managing to sell even a fairly unexciting part of the war. Although some have complained about the amount of product placement in the book, The Mittani has reassured backers there will be no adverts in the actual book for those who pledge more than $200 to the kickstarter, and only one advert every three pages to those who donate $50.
"Dabigredboat looked up from his screen. He had just read how Imperium forces had been successfully contested a shield I-Hub timer in NOL-M9 on New Eden's premiere news site, www.themittani.com. 'I'm sure glad The Mittani's smooth leadership and charisma is enough to keep 35,000 faggots in line', he mused to himself.
Noting Test would probably be too cowardly to come out for another fight for today, the captain returned to his antiquated 42,000 year old PC from the planet known as Earth. Although most of the components had to be replaced, his Nvidia graphics card, noted for its extreme processing ability and sheer durability, still worked just fine. He loaded up his favourite game H1Z1, awarded the 'Most Timeless Zombie Survival Game Award' in YC113. He was in the privileged position of having a special 'His Regards' Machete, which he redeemed from the themittani.com welcome pack along with a decent helmet and an alright shirt.
Meanwhile Kcolor, one of the leaders of the Imperium's bombing squad, was sitting cloaked in a backwater system in Delve. Suddenly, an enemy Nyx-class ship warped to the anomaly he was in. Kcolor tried to motivate himself to summon a fleet of Imperium ships to destroy the krab but he could not do it; he had fallen victim to Hearthstone's exciting and entertaining gameplay. 'It's okay, it's Test so he'll probably forget to turn his tank on and get killed by Blood Raiders', he told himself."
Backers have praised the writing style, with the author managing to sell even a fairly unexciting part of the war. Although some have complained about the amount of product placement in the book, The Mittani has reassured backers there will be no adverts in the actual book for those who pledge more than $200 to the kickstarter, and only one advert every three pages to those who donate $50.
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