CCP Announces SoE Kitchenware Products

CCP Games, Iceland’s largest nerd farmer, has announced its entry into the lucrative novelty kitchenware market. CCP Martha, head of its Home Goods group, spoke exclusively to the Eve Onion about this bold new extension of the brand:

“Our brand is important to us, so we’re very careful which products and services CCP attach it to” he told us whilst offering coffee muffins from the pocket of his Gurista branded apron. “The new Sisters of Eve hull designs present us with the exciting opportunity to develop not only amazing new ships but also unique and functional kitchen utensils."

"The first in this new product line is the SoE Blender, which will be launched to coincide with Rubicon 1.1 and is based on the new SoE Battleship. They share the same design philosophy and we know our players will enjoy flying the ship as well as using it to prepare meals for their family and friends. With full CREST API integration coming later this decade you’ll also be able to check your skill queues and market orders without leaving the kitchen.”

CCP were keen to point out that the SoE Blender doesn't just look nice, it’s robust as well. To prove it they prepared a traditional Icelandic soup of rancid shark and fresh cod bollocks using only a pan and the SoE Blender. It made short work of the putrid flesh and tiny fish testicles, CCP Martha served it in a wooden bowl topped with a dollop of crème fresh.

It is obvious that CCP views brand extension into novelty goods as a major revenue stream and it doesn't stop in the kitchen. Leaked internal documents passed to the Eve Onion describe early plans to create a line of Gallente themed sex toys to be launched with an unnamed expansion that will introduce something CCP are calling ‘Ooo-Space’.

Door Opening Mini-Game Revealed

The fallout of the Incarna release brought many stories, some happy and some tragic, but now after years of arguing whether or not to open the door, a new feature might stir up old feelings. CCP Bayesian, credited to have invented the intriguing hack-and-vomit mini-game for explorers, has hinted about a new mini-game:

"Now, we know smost people don't use their captains quarters. Our initial idea of simply forcing them there did not work out so well and we thought about adding more incentive to enter them. We are currently prototyping a minigame that, once beaten, will allow you to enter the captain's quarters of another pilot so you can bash the hell out of them." He refused to give more information but ideas are spreading on the forums, together with skepticism.

 The first ones to reply were lore-adhering fanatics denying the possibility of such a move, quoting high security measures for pod pilots and station interiors. But others used 'The Burning Life' novel to refute these claims, with one person saying "if you don't shut up I'll hit you over the head with that Eve book that has a Raven on the front - ingame of course!"

We were able, through direct communication, to question the state of the prototyping from CCP Bayesian: "Conflict is our central theme in New Eden, so we have a bunch of volunteer developers in office which come in early in the mornings. They will take over the computer of another colleague not yet here and mess with their last days work. The key here is to stay undetected as much as possible and measure the butterfly-effect through reported anomalies from the playerbase after such tampered work was released."

We believe we have experienced at least one such experiment with the recent sound changes, namely the incorrectly leveled microwarp-drives. A CCP developer from the sound team was spotted on the forums to have written "We have no idea how this happened", indicating such an occurrence had taken place.

 Also unclear and still in the realm of rumors are the things one could do once in another's quarters. Some keen on NEX-store items expressed their joy of rummaging through the expensive clothes of others. Comments regarding cross-dressers were quickly removed by ISD members.

 The actual mechanics of the minigame are also not yet clear, but some believe that one piece, for example a jacket, will be shown and the player has to line up matching shoes and trousers. It was also not settled whether the clothes available for selection would be needed in the cargo of the intruder, or simply drawn from the current NEX selection.

 All members from the CSM we contacted have so far withheld any information about this new feature, citing NDA terms. However, Ripard Teg did reveal that early prototypes of the mini-game aroused him. Many players believe this is just the start of a new mini-game age for Eve Online, and are hoping gameplay features such as activating modules will get the same treatment as exploration and door opening in the next expansion.

Number of Blobs Increasing

A recent survey carried out by Chribba found that the number of blobbings - where one combatant perceives one side is more powerful than the other - is rising at an alarming rate, with 79.1% of the Eve population reporting the harrowing experience of being out-muscled.

The most common type of blobbing was 1v1 or 2v2. A highsec miner commented on Chribba's forum thread, claiming he had been blobbed by a solo player in no less than nine occasions in November. When one pilot queried whether a 1v1 fight constituted as 'blobbing' he was met with a wall of hatred, being accused of never having PVPed before and called a 'fucking noob' repeatedly.

The survey also revealed that blobs happen most frequently in nullsec, with highsec coming a close second and lowsec significantly behind in last place, as it sadly died a few years ago. Amazingly it's not even necessary to be visible to blob someone in nullsec; the majority of incidents in renter space and Providence are caused by AFK cloakers. One nullbear was happy to explain to us how this could be described as blobbing:

"A cloak is a force multiplier isn't it? So if you've got one AFK cloaker and 15 honest, hardworking men who just want to make money, the covert ops cloak multiplies the cloaker's force by ten times. Then the cyno he probably has multiplies it by another ten times, so when you think about it every AFK cloaker has the effectiveness of 100 people. Therefore my alliance routinely gets blobbed 100-15." 

The findings have concerned many, but few can be bothered to do anything about it. Fortunately The Mittani, who is truly a beacon of shining light in the sea of darkness that is Eve, has unveiled the 'Good Fights Initiative', which aims to accelerate the use of blobbing and other dirty tactics.

Until today I was content with my coalition's role in Eve, but then all that changed when I read Chribba's damming evidence of how the number of good fights in Eve has slightly dropped. It highlighted that only 20.9% of the Eve population has experienced blobbing: this is unacceptable. From now on, we shall only engage the enemy if we outnumber them 5-1. If they have more than this ratio, we shall not fight them but we shall taunt them. Do not worry my subjects, you will still experience good fights in our staging system of G-0 thanks to the daily thunderdomes in all timezones, but our enemy will never experience fun again.

N3 FC progodlegend has replied to this statement by saying "we weren't having fun anyway you prick!" The few people who are against blobbing have suggested that stargates should behave like wormholes so they can more closely mimic wormhole space - the last bastion of good fights in New Eden. These people have now been culled by wormholers, who told us "shut up, Chribba forgot to survey us - no one can know what really goes on in W-space." Therefore we have not published what really goes on in W-space.

CCP Announces PLEX for CSM Minutes Campaign

The CSM process is a vital one in the fabric of Eve, nowhere more so than the Eve Online podcasting and blogging community. Without the CSM's tireless contributions of self-promotion and inane content many podcasts would simply cease to exist. The symbiotic relationship between blogs, podcasts and media hungry CSMs drives the Eve Online community output.

However, a crisis is now looming; the bi-annual minutes of the secretive CSM and CCP Summer Summit have not been published, causing a content drought for bloggers and podcasts. In previous years this content hole was filled by The Mittani but he is now hording his content for his own social media outlets.

CCP has reacted swiftly and today announced the ‘PLEX for minutes’ campaign. The leader of the Eve Community team CCP NeverLogsOn said this in a recent dev blog:

“Many have asked why CCP have not yet reviewed and released the CSM Minutes. I would like to ensure the Community that we at CCP have endeavored to review these Minutes, but, they have presented a significant challenge in that they are incredibly tedious. In fact they are so mind numbingly dull that the last two CCP employees who attempted to review them are now on sickness leave.  

Our Human Resources team have now banned all CCP employees from reading any content. Indeed, the forty minute monologue from CSM delegate Ripard Teg has been deemed so insipid we have secured it offshore along with all of CCP Dolan’s alliance tournament commentaries. We do recognize the urgency of the situation which is why today we launch the PLEX for Minutes campaign. 

We are asking the community 1000 PLEXs which will allow us to recruit an external consultant to review the minutes for us and publish them quickly." 

 We have already identified a candidate from the Eve community who has an extensive background in furry erotic fiction. He has offered his services and will be known as CCP RoughTiger, commenting:

"Donate now and get those Minutes!!"

This further extends the range of services CCP are willing to allow players to use PLEX to purchase. It is rumored that a PLEX for POS code campaign may start in the New Year - something CCP have denied by saying they cannot be bothered to undertake such a difficult course of development.

Manufacture of Phoenixes Banned

CCP made a shocking announcement today when they outlawed the production of Phoenixes - the Caldari dreadnought which is renowned for its inability to damage any moving object. They claimed they were left with little choice once they realised how bad the ship is.

Fozzie broke the news when he stated on Twitter that CCP felt is was 'unfair' to allow players to use such an awful ship, following up with this forum post:

"For a long time you've had to put up with only having three dreadnoughts. If we're honest, there is no Caldari dreadnought, the Phoenix is just a piece of shit masquerading as a dreadnought. I mean it is literally crap, it even looks like the very matter I expelled from my bowels this morning. No more we say! Until we get round to rebalancing capital ships, we'll make sure that players aren't subjected to the horror that is the Phoenix. As of tomorrow starting a manufacturing job on a Pheonix blueprint will result in a permanent ban. At the moment we're not going to persecute people for actually flying the ship because the GMs won't let us, but do yourselves a favour and self-destruct it."

The move was generally welcomed by players - even Phoenix pilots supported CCPs efforts to try to prise them from their beloved shits. "I've got an unhealthy obsession with my Phoenix, I can't leave it. Every time some faggot FC tells me I can't bring it on a stratop, I cry. Hopefully CCP will take this further and delete all Phoenixes so I can finally leave it behind."

Not everyone's happy though, a few months ago BNI pilots were ordered to start training for a new Phoenix doctrine. "I've had a hidden agenda since I started BNI all those months ago" admits Matais Otero, founder and former leader of the corporation. "I've always wanted a fleet of Phoenixes. I sunk some PLEX into buying blueprints and I've spent the better part of a year researching them, then just as we're about ready to start our production CCP come in with this stealth bravenewbie-nerf, no doubt this is the work of the nullsec entities on the CSM. Still, we will work on finding another counter to Talwar fleets."

The morality of building Phoenixes has been called into question before. Although this has not stopped them from being manufactured previously, it's expected the threat of a permanent ban will stop these rouge arms dealers in their tracks. Many hope the change in policy will finally stop these abominations getting into the hands of innocent newbies and cause a 40% reduction in biomasses.

Group of Seven Pilots Announce Intention to Invade Providence then Rent it Back to CVA

Seven mildly competent capsuleers have publicly stated they have gone to war with Proviblock after failing to settle a sovereignty dispute over the Providence region. They say they were left with little choice after CVA's diplomatic team failed to recognise them as serflords of the region.

The first battle of the war took place in K1Y-5H, a fairly quiet active system owned by Yulai Federation. Five of the 'Supreme Seven' were present, including Moros pilot Steve Ijonen. They were able to put the I-hub into shield reinforcement despite the heavy enemy presence in the system - unconfirmed reports state the locals were unaware the pilots were there, despite the fact they besieged the system for over six hours.

CVA have denied any assault has taken place on their region overnight, we were able to secure an interview with Equinox Daedalus, the leader of the alliance.

Tubrug1: Hello Equinox!
Equinox Daedalus: I prefer Sir Lord Admiral Equinox Daedalus of the Amarr Empire.
T1: Can I just call you m8?
ED: No.
T1: Excellent, so tell me m8, how are you taking the joint Deep Core Mining - Federal Navy Academy invasion of Providence?
ED: We haven't received any official report of attacks by the seven individuals who tried to rent our own space to us without invading it, however we did discover an I-hub had been reinforced several hours ago. We're not quite sure who did this, but when we find out our retribution will be swift.
T1: The Seven reinforced it.
ED: That's impossible, they're neutral to us. In fact, once of them paid YF 10 million isk to dock a Moros in the K1Y-5H station yesterday.
T1: Yes... Could you tell us more about CVA's new Prophecy doctrine which you intend to use to fight these invaders?
ED: Well it's nicknamed the stab because it's got so many Warp Core Stabilisers. It allows us to quickly run away if the battle isn't going in our favour.
T1: What if the enemy uses bubbles?
ED: That's why we've got improved cloaks!

Tensions continue to mount in Providence, with morale particularly low on the Proviblock side. "How are we supposed to fight them if we can't see them?" pondered one Care Factor pilot. "I bet they'll just fucking blob us" speculated another. The Seven said they had planned to rent the entire region back to them for 50 million isk/month - which is not a trivial sum of money for a modest alliance like CVA. With fireselling on the minds of many Providence residents, it's a question of who will be the first to crack under the pressure of a sov war.

Mad Ani Promises to Stamp Out Protests With an Iron First

Mad Ani delivered a defiant speech in a post in General Discussion today, announcing he would not tolerate protests against his bid to become a CCP employee. He also attempted to buy an advertisement encouraging people to subscribe to his stream in this opening paragraph, but has failed to do so.

It is believed he took this action after it emerged some people in the official forum thread did not like him and were not prepared to give him real money. Sources close to Mad Ani say he was 'outraged' and 'disgusted' by the sudden realisation. This prompted him to write a brief post about what would happen to the people who dared to violate his rules.

"Mad Ani 24/7 Live Stream

Hello. I'm a neutral Eve news correspondent who streams fights. It emerged earlier today that there are some people who disagree with my stream. Let me make this perfectly clear:

You cannot disagree with my stream. 

If I receive intelligence that you have said something negative about my stream, you will be blocked. This means you will not be able to use the twitch chat on my stream or talk to me ingame. I only want to have to repeat this once: you will not be able to use the twitch chat on my stream or talk to me ingame.

You have one chance.

Please subscribe to my stream for only $4.99! This money helps to keep the stream running and allows me to be unemployed!"

Within minutes the forum thread was full of people well-wishing Mad Ani. The first two pages contained completely positive comments, including 'every1 except u is a faggot mad ani!' and 'you are the most friendly player in Eve! CCP Mad Ani!'.

Unfortunately the peace did not last long. As soon as word got out, hundreds of non-fanboys descended on the thread, causing scenes of devestation. Goons, carebears, griefers, carebears, miners and renters united in their hatred of Mad Ani. After replying 'blocked' to every negative commenter for the first few minutes, he suddenly fell silent. Reports indicate he retreated to the webcam on his live stream, where he remained in an irate mood for several hours.

After disabling the stream's chat, he could be seen talking to himself while naked, and began stroking a fedora with sunglasses on. Eventually he dispensed with the Eve stream altogether, instead displaying his webcam fullscreen. This has left at least seven people dead, with up to fourteen more severely injured. Many remain confused and worried.