Friday, 28 June 2013

"Wormholes Sentient" - CVA

CVA's leader Equinox Daedalus announced today that jumping into wormholes has been banned due to the discovery they are sentient creatures. The announcement claimed that the breakthrough had been achieved by months of research from members of CVA and the NRDS Coalition, and that everyone who helped on the project is to be commended.

He also stated that anyone found to be breaching the ban would be liable to harsh punishment on behalf of the wormhole that the pilot had offended. The justification for this was that the wormhole feels 'pain' every time a ship jumps through it. The amount of pain it feels is determined by the size and mass of the ship passing through it.

I spoke to the lead 'researcher' behind this development, Steve Darwin:  "We've discovered that a wormhole's life cycle is literally a life cycle. A wormhole is conceived roughly four hours before it appears as a signature. Then it begins its predetermined life cycle, depending on what species of wormhole it is. When its life cycle runs its course, the wormhole will die of old age shortly afterwards. However a wormhole may commit suicide if it is placed under extreme agony by multiple ships passing through it; if too many heavy ships pass through the hole, the wormhole will lose the will to live and abort itself."

Although some people may suggest a more logical explanation for a wormholes collapse, CVA's thinking is certainly new. They have also announced a 'holy war in the name of the Empire' against the chain collapsers that live in wormholes. They say that it is cruelty on an unmatched scale. Unfortunately since they cannot enter wormholes now, they will have to wage this war on the forums and other forms of media.

This has received mixed reactions from members of the ProviBlock. Some of them have heralded this as being a new age in human-wormhole relations. One member, who wished to remain anonymous, claimed that the wormholes deserved to 'die in agony' because they lead to the mysterious and dangerous wormhole space.

Some non-Providence residents have taken this opportunity to jeer at them, one AFK cloaker reportedly said "I'M JUMPING THROUGH A WORMHOLE- WHAT U GONNA DO?" in local. CVA responded to  the threat by sending a 80 man fleet to destroy the interloper. Unfortunately, the wormhole the AFK cloaker was referring to did not exist, and despite the ~500 scanner probes deployed no wormhole was found.


  1. To be honest it wouldnt surprise me if this was true.

  2. what do you mean IF it was true several dreddit spies have confirmed this story as solid fact

  3. If this isn't a troll, I hope the writer goes out and gets some sunlight. Possibly a beer at a pub, where other people might be interacted with.

  4. confirming that a site named after the onion is indeed factual