Top Alliance Leaders Actually Played by One Guy

Bristol, WI - In a shocking twist that no one saw coming, one man has stepped forward and presented compelling evidence that he has in fact been controlling every single major alliance for the last three years.

“Teh Br0kur”, whom he wishes to be known to protect his own identity, spilled his guts over a flagon of mead during the Bristol Renaissance Faire this past summer: 
[Writer's Note: The details of this conversation would have been made public sooner, if I had of remembered my password which I set while drunk off cheap beer and high off even cheaper grass… Ahhh, Wisconsin]
Taking his name as a play on the EVE Lore character mentioned in several chronicles and the EVE universe novels, Teh Br0kur has managed to gain control of nearly every big-name alliance in New Eden.

 “At first it was a small alliance; I infiltrated Imperial Legi0n, some no-name scrub alliance at the time; I said I was a 19-year-old college girl with an interest in industry. So of course a white knight try-hard named Sigaran jumped at the opportunity to give me full director access to the vast amounts of minerals and blueprints they had stockpiled. But, when I realized it wouldn’t really be that fun to fuck them over, I decided… Well, why not keep going? I ended up gaining the trust of everyone, and while using other characters and personas I created for myself, managed to gain access to every single corporation in the alliance, up to and including the executor corp.Eventually, by leveraging a large amount of ISK, a considerable amount of trash-talk, and the promise of a secret set of nude images of Mintchip that of course did not exist [Editor’s Note: They do, but you’re better off not seeing them], I became the new CEO of IMP-L. I played directors and CEOs against each other, waging a shadow war of bribery, tough-talk and more than a little blackmail involving a few high-ranking penis photos within the alliance. None of the other members were aware I was playing people against eachother. It was… fucking beautiful.”

Empowered by his newfound wealth and influence, he began waging a diplomatic metagaming blitzkrieg to gain control of every major alliance in the game, while training alts to be able to pilot supers and lead corporations and alliances. He gained access to AAA, assuming the identity of Makalu, the pilot famous for being literally the worst alliance FC to ever enter Delve. He created Wheniaminspace, but sold the character after a while, “Because I felt like I needed to take a shower every time I logged in and dunked on another TEST idiot outside 6VDT’s station”. He owned Kil2 for some time but sold the character to the man currently known as CCP Rise because he was tired of the fanboys obsessing over his Twitch stream.

Recently, he has gained access to the upper echelons of Goonswarm Federation, becoming not only The Mittani’s right-hand man, but also his left-hand man and middle-hand woman. 

 “It’s so funny, knowing that at any time I can start a massive war by playing all of my alliances against one another; I can destabilize the entire EVE economy; I can unleash screaming hordes of butthurt neckbeards in one Jabber ping; Hell, I am the most powerful person in the game!What’s even more funny is that I know The Mittani in real life! We go to renaissance faires all the time! But the man has no idea that I am always aware of everything he does in the game. Want to know a secret? He doesn’t actually do anything in GSF; He just sends Jabbers every now and then and makes stupid speeches during the SOTG addresses. The people with all the real power are… Heh, me.”

 When this writer met Teh Br0kur at the Bristol Renfaire in Wisconsin, The Mittani was just leaving after having been slammed in the taint with a Nerf foam bardiche wielded by a 14-year-old kid with Down’s Syndrome. What followed was two hours of drinking and rabble-rousing with someone who might as well be a real-life EVE lore character.

 “I am EVE Online. I am living proof the Butterfly Effect trailer is a real thing that happens in this game. I Was There, and I Will Continue To Be There as long as nobody finds out the real extent of my reach in this game.”

 Right before parting ways, Teh Br0kur left us with one last hint as to what his original identity is: 

 “I tried out for the CSM, once, thinking maybe, just maybe, I could extend my huge amount of influence into the actual political sphere and maybe land a cush spot in the top tier. I really wanted to shift focus to nullsec space and customisable spaceship paintjobs! Dicks in space! But, thanks to some assholes in TEST Alliance, I was outed as a potential pedophile because of some dubious postings I made on some shady message boards. I just wish I hadn’t of used the same name!”

CCP Declare Dabigredboat's Magical Hat is an Exploit and Ban Him

Much beloved CFC FC Dabigredboat was banned today for using a magic hat to deliberately crash the server. A post from Eve GM Nova appeared on the Eve Online forums this week:

‘It has come to our attention today that some players are using mystical artifacts to influence CCP server performance. To be clear; the use of magical hats, jewellery, pets or any other mystical devices to influence in game events or CCP infrastructure are explicitly prohibited and will result in an immediate and permanent ban’

This statement can be traced back to the node crash during a battle in DY-P7Q. Node crashes in Eve are remarkably rare, especially during major timer battles. CCP launched an immediate investigation into the event. Although the logs showed nothing, CCP assumed that it the crash was due to a memory leak from their in-house Minecraft server.

However; when part time CSM ProGodLegend made CCP aware of the detailed analysis published on Eve News 24 CCP took another look. The EN24 team had uncovered a secret plot in which Boat was mysteriously able to crash the DY-P7Q on demand. They reported that during a twitch stream Boat was heard to say ‘crash the node’ and moments later his hat began to emit an eerie green light and he quietly chanted ‘Mitten’s silly beard’ - then the node crashed.

This isn't the first time mysterious happens have been witnessed around the famed Goon FC, one source told Eve Onion:

"Boat told us he had a Titan tackled, we rushed to the system only to find the Titan has turned into a TCU. When we asked Boat how this happened he blamed it on a bug. CCP later told us the logs showed nothing"

CCP have since banned all of Boat’s game accounts, citing witchcraft and magical shenanigans.
Part time CSM ProGodLegend supported CCP:

"CCP are justified in taking this action, it is clear the only way the CFC are able to defeat me is by the use of their magical hats."

It is not known how many magical hats are in the Goon stockpile, but, it would appear that DBRB was the first Goon to successfully deploy his hat. Previous attempts have resulted in failure. Famously in 2012 Goon Grand Wizard, the Mittani, tried to use his magical hat to make his Fanfest Alliance Panel presentation funny. This backfired when his CSM Chairmanship vanished.

Large Gathering of Dust Players Announced

CCP, Iceland’s leading nerd farmer, today announce possibly the most ambitious player event in the history of gaming. DUST community manager CCP boom!headshot! told the Eve Onion:

“Here at CCP we pride ourselves on our player events. 
At Fanfest our players get drunk and have fun.
At Eve Vegas our fans gamble and fun.
At Eve Downunder they get poisoned and robbed.

These are amazing achievements, but we’re not sitting back on our laurels. We’re going to take it to the next level with DUST Ultimate. Our objective is simple, get every DUST player in the World together at an exciting unique venue to celebrate the game they love.

We’ve already sent out the tickets to all the current player base using statistics from the PlayStation Network. The ticket includes flights to the location and accommodation – you just have to bring yourself and some spending Monday.”

The meet up is planned April the 13^th and will be hosted at CCP boom!headshot!'s one bedroom apartment in  Reykjavik. “I except there to be plenty of space, unless of course all the players choose to attend – but we’re expecting a few to drop out because they are buying a Playstation 4/Battlefield bundle”
Headshot told us the planned events would include the CPM throwing eggs and toilet paper at the CCP office and a visit to the whale museum. A pub crawl was cancelled because half of the players are under 14 and Icelanders shout “DUST is shit!” every time they see a CCP employee.

CCP Introduces Balancing on the Fly

A recent influx of complaints involving the usage of drone assist doctrines in large-scale nullsec wars has spurred CCP to introduce a brand new feature allowing them to actively balance modules and ships on a live server.

Using advanced real-time analysis of the game logs, which are known for their accuracy and completeness, a developer can now manipulate active vessels and modules while they're in use. This was most recently demonstrated in system XD-JW7 as massed N3 "slowcats" were swatted out of the sky by nerf-bat-wielding developers.

 CSM members were quick to praise CCP for their decisive action. "CCP Rise gave me a cookie and it was pretty good" said one member, while another was quoted as saying, "I'm glad that CCP was so quick to nerf what could have been a dangerously unbeatable fleet doctrine. Nobody ever in the history of Eve has been able to defeat sentry-wielding carriers through any means whatsoever, but now the menace has been brought back in line".

 I managed to catch a N3 member as he was dropped off by the pod express in Jita 4-4, fresh from the heat of battle.

"It was awesome out there before the CCP nerfed us. We were blapping dreads, other carriers, hell, even a titan at one point out of the sky. Then, all of a sudden, our DPS withered to a mere trickle of damage, like when you're peeing but then you finish and there's just a few drops left." 

With such brilliant insight into the N3 side of the battle, I sought out a member of the GSF to learn how the battle appeared to the victors.

 "We had, like, 500 dreads waiting to cyno in when the battle escalated to a certain point, but that's irrelevant. I must've sent in something like 50 petitions during the course of the battle and CCP nerfed everything I complained about! It was awesome!" 

 The Mittani tweeted to the effect that the GSF's new "Petitionfleet" doctrine was his new strategy of choice. There was no word from CCP as to when this new doctrine would be nerfed. N3 members have given a collective sigh of 'grrr goons', and are expected to continue mumbling irrationally for several weeks.

N3 Members 'Literally Seething with Incapacitating Anger'

Heads were turned today in The Mittani's latest CEO update, in which he promised to obliterate blobs of Archons with the iron fist of the Naglfar. The announcement, which came just hours before a crucial timer in DY-P7Q, caused N3's fighting ability to be impaired.

Many members reacted with great rage to the post, and began insulting the Clusterfuck Coalition as well as The Mittani himself. "The Mittani is a massive faggot" claimed one line member. "It's like everything he does is designed to try to stop us. I despise him, his corporation, his alliance and his coalition. Also, he's a dick"

This is believed to be the reason N3 did not show up for the DY-P7Q timer earlier today. Despite alarm-clocking and pinging members twelve times in eight hours about the fight, N3 leadership instructed their members to take to the comments section on the themittani.com post and Kugu to remind the CFC they hate them. An N3 director, who wished to remain anonymous, informed the Eve Onion of the situation:

"We were really hyped for the fight. Hundreds of people had pulled an all-nighter just to shoot the CFC and Rus .Then we read the GSF CEO update. And we shook. Shook with rage. How dare these impotent fools try to take on the mighty forces of the 300. We whined about it internally for a while, then we realised no one could hear us so we took to the public stage. We were so busy delivering justice through words that we forgot to form-up for DY-P7Q, but it's okay because we didn't really care about that system anyway."

Eve News 24 also joined the anti-CFC bandwagon, but it appears it was done by accident. "I thought I was writing in the 'tinfoil' Skype chat (AKA EN24's main room) but then I checked the main site and someone had posted what I'd written! Then I realised it was me who posted it" admits writer Free. "I think it was pretty good, riverini shouted at me for not mentioning suicidegate but our un-brainwashed readers seem to agree with me."

It seems N3 are slowly recovering from this shock and are mustering their slowcat fleet to tauntingly dance around before the CFC arm themselves with Omegafleet. After seeing the reaction it stirred, The Mittani hinted he would consider releasing CEO Updates at the rate of one a day to permanently paralyse N3 with rage.

Lowsec Residents Invent New God, Sacrifice Phoenixes on Gate to Him

Lowsec residents followed a tradition set by wormhole dwellers and have declared the existence of a God called 'Steve'. Ground breaking research conducted by several pirate organisations found that Steve grants goodfights after having Phoenixes sacrificed on gates.

Prophets are still working out the details of this new religion, but it seems there will be many parallels between Steve and Bob, the God of Wormholes. The main difference between the two is that while Bob prefers to have Rifters sacrificed at the sun of a wormhole system, Steve prefers a Pheonix that's in the process of making a valiant attempt to jump through a stargate into highsec. We spoke to notorious pirate Tim Bastold about this new cult:

"So far the evidence we've been able to gather on Steve suggests he is some kind of relation to Bob, possibly a brother or cousin, and that he finds retards losing Phoenixes on gates fucking hilarious. He practically shits himself laughing every time he sees an ALOD on TMC involving a Phoenix, and he grants good fights and good luck to those who kill it."

Speculators are already buying up Phoenix blueprints to account for the increase in demand, which is expected to soar from three a month to over twenty. One manufacturer claimed he made a 'fuck tonne' of money selling to those 'retards who believe in god and keep sacrificing Rifters'.

Not everyone agrees with this religion though, Steveophobia has already developed among a couple of lowsec carebears. Sarratov was one of this pair.

"I don't see why everyone needs to make such a big deal about me losing a Phoenix on a highsec gate I was trying to jump through. I mean, how was I supposed to know capitals couldn't jump through gates? It's not like people can be expected to research ships before they buy them, if anyone suggests that they should have a fist lodged in their rectum for being such a tryhard."

Time will tell whether Steveism catches on as much as Bobism has, in the mean time other groups of players are trying to invent new gods, including the Brothers of Tangra's Brian Anti-Prototype Cloaking Device. They report having little success so far.

Number of Pointless Streams 'Dangerously High'

On the eve of Twitch integration into Eve, a third party has ruled that the number of stupid and irrelevant streams is already hazardous, and the threat of hundreds of new streams of mining could tip the danger over the edge.

The report noted that streaming brain-numbingly boring things such as mining could in fact numb the brain. One poor Eve player was linked to a stream of a triple-box mining operation as a prank by his friends, but the joke turned sour when the player hit his head against the wall and suffered mild concussion. Upon his recovery the man spoke of his outrage that Twitch could allow such a stream:

"I was just enjoying life like your average Joe when my 'friends' sent a link to a stream for me to watch. What's the worse that could happen? I thought. But then I saw three Retrievers mining. The screen was so stationary it stunned me, I was confused, disorientated and ran headfirst into a wall. I'm not sure how Twitch can allow this, I reported it to them but they told me 'clients can stream what they want'. Quite frankly I'm disgusted about the lack of concern they show their customers so I will be taking legal action."

Medical experts are currently investigating the potential for pointless streams to be used for treatment. An Icelandic GP said he is using mission running streams to treat insomniacs, and was happy to speak to the Eve Onion about the treatment:

"I first got the idea for this when treating an Eve player who was electrocuted when he punched a hole in his monitor while watching a mining stream. Obviously we can't use mining streams themselves as they do much more harm than good, instead we use mission running or incursion streams. We simply ask the patient to sit down with the stream and they're happily asleep within minutes. It doesn't have the side-effects of the more boring streams which could potentially cause haemorrhaging, severe injuries to the rectum and in some cases death." 

 Mad Ani is also unimpressed by the rise of the pointless streams, and took time off from being a cunt to give his response to the Eve Onion:

"For a start I haven't forgiven you for telling me to stop begging three months ago. I have a job now, and I have to work on getting another job at CCP while running my stream and playing my unlicensed music, which means I don't have time to talk to irrelevant shitlords such as yourself. Anyway, these streamers can suck my dick." 

Speculators are worried Twitch could find itself going bankrupt under the weight of hundreds of lawsuits after its integration with Eve goes live on Tranquillity. Readers are advised to use twitch.tv with caution for the sake of their own health.