Imperium leader The Mittani said he was 'lucky to be alive' today after he had a near death encounter with a tree near his home in Madison, Wisconsin.
According to GIA intelligence the tree, a 200-year old Pine, had been plotting to bait Mittani into coming near it when he was walking to his weekly LARPing session. It then intended to ambush him once he was close enough. This persuaded him to take another route, sadly resulting in him being mugged.
However he maintained that the outcome was preferable to being baited out by the tree. 'I'm so glad I wasn't stupid enough to walk past that tree', he told Eve Onion. 'We've known there was something dodgy going on there since last Thursday. Also that tree's morale is probably pretty low right now, I've just managed to foil its ~grand plan~. That's the whole reason it's here, and I didn't give it what it wanted.'
The episode has been recorded as yet another victory for the Imperium. The tree was not available for comment.
Credit to Lucia Denniard for article idea.
