Sunday 8 May 2016

CFC Homeless After Being Cut Off By Dumpster Rental Service

CFC members are once again experiencing extreme deja vu after being evicted from their spacious dumpster, rendering them homeless twice within the space of a month.

The object had come to be known as home by the various CFC alliances which have lived their since losing their space in World War Bee. Unfortunately, Goonswarm Federation leadership was last night told their coalition would no longer be able to reside their due to failure to pay rent.

Members of #AGMARMONEYTEAM Enterprises, the company which owns the dumpster, have faced criticism of their handling of the situation. Bee rights activists have pointed out that evicting them would be inhumane, particularly when #AGMARMONEYTEAM were partially responsible for putting the CFC in said dumpster in the first place.

Despite this setback, The Mittani is as optimistic as ever for his coalition's future. In leaked Illum logs, he claimed that Goonswarm would be able to take the dumpster back as soon as the MBC disintegrated. He went on to claim that the CFC would no longer even need dumpsters as soon as work on adapting their PAP system for H1Z1 was completed. "Maybe we'll even become a professional e-sports team", he concluded.

Idea by Apples

Tuesday 19 April 2016

CFC Announce Extension of Viceroy System to Highsec

In a somewhat unexpected move, the CFC has reployed to Osmon, a 0.7 security system in Caldari space, in order to attempt to extend viceroyalty to the residents of the Forge.

After wardeccing ten highsec ice mining corps in preparation for the move, the conflict has seen mixed success for the CFC. After losing a Hurricane fleet to a handful of Exhumers with frigate support, the majority of the forces deployed to the system have remained docked for the remainder of the day.

Nonetheless CFC leadership are working hard to turn the war in their favour. Dabigredboat, the CFC's second most competent fleet commander, told the Eve Onion 'Swordfleet'. When pressed for further details, he again said 'Swordfleet'. After being asked how interceptors would perform against the fierce T1 drones of Skiffs and Mackinaws, he defended the choice of doctrine by reiterating 'Swordfleet'.

Although one miner did agree to personally give The Mittani 10% of his ore - significantly boosting Goonswarm's ailing revenues - the alliance received a blow when one Karmafleet member defected to a mining corp based in Osmon. The Mittani has called for a new hellwar against this rogue member, and has promised to bring the full force of the Goonhammer down upon him.

Sunday 17 April 2016

Who Are the Ten Most Influential People in Eve?

This article was sponsored by (free Goon killmail with every bet) 

The Eve Onion offices have been a whirlwind of activity. Editor Tubrug1 gave us poor staffers the job of finding out who were the ten most influential people in Eve Online. He then flew off in his new gold titan with SUAS – no idea where he got that from.

1. Eep (owner of IWantIsk) - I’ve got a note here from Tubrug saying that Eep needs to be #1 on this list.
2. Niden – this Eve media genius revived the once dead corpse of the niche Scottish language site Crossing Zebras; transforming it into the 2nd best Eve news site on the Internet.
3. Grath Telkin – you may know Grath from such failed Kickstarter adverts as ‘The Fountain War’. Media celebrity and secret leader of Pandemic Legion Grath is best known for running Eve’s largest charity Ship Replacement Fund – if you’ve lost a ship send him your lost mail now!
4. Laz – Eve’s premier twitch streamer who has attracted a loyal following of beard fetishsts; he’s also got a cool racing chair. Laz is annoyingly nice so I can’t bring myself to take the piss out of him. 
5. Progodlegend – if you’ve just thought up a cool fit for a ship this guy probably invented it first. Former part-time CSM and above average TEST fleet commander(sic) ProGod rocks in at the number five spot
6. Villy – famed former Goon FC and now chief nerd herder for TEST alliance, Villy is currently burning the North and claiming he invented boredom in Eve. A bold claim for a bold man.
7. The Mittani – the leader of the Band of Businessmen, he is the Rupert Murdoch of Eve: creepy, rich and powerful but nobody's sure why.
8. Sion Kumitomo – the James Murdoch of Eve; nuff said really
9. Jeff Raider – Eve’s top meth fuelled podcaster. Jeff has Eve’s most interesting guests on this show which is handy because on his own he’s a boring tool.
10. Xander Phoena – pastebin addict and one-time foreign language podcaster; if you have a secret for fuck's sake don’t tell him.

 Agree with our list? If not let us know in the comments.

Wednesday 13 April 2016

CCP Inadvertently Leak New Captain’s Quarters Room

CCP developers weere today left red faced as it was revealing that they had published artwork for an upcoming release in error.

In recent weeks CCP have come under a sustained email campaign by Social Justice Warriors complaining about the CFC background which had been provided for the hugely successful #WorldWarBee campaign. The SJW group claimed the background only represented the privileged honey bee and ignored the struggle of other minority insects such as: horse flies, hornets, wasps and beetles.

In an attempt to avoid any further email exchanges with what one insider called ‘entitled twats’ CCP quickly responded by releasing updated artwork which depicted no animals of any sort. It has now transpired that this artwork was actually part of a wider project planned for release in July; a new room in the captain’s quarters.

For some months CCP have been secretly working on the Captain’s bathroom project. This would allow players to wash, bath and carry out other daily ablutions. One design feature of the new bathroom allows players to have custom backgrounds.

When asked to produced a revised CFC background, the CCP art department decided to use a simply screenshot from the captain’s bathroom project.  Careful inspection of the revised background reveals that behind a wet towel and through the rooms steam you can just pick out the wings of the CFC eagle. The Eve Onion has reached out to CCP for comment.

When asked to produced a revised CFC background the CCP art department
Article written by GrouchyOldGamer

Monday 11 April 2016

Kim Jong-Un Declares CFC's Spin is Illegal Under North Korean Law

International tensions rose last night after North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un publicly stated that the rhetoric from the CFC is in direct violation of North Korean law and threatened vengeance for the coalition's transgressions against the country.

It's emerged that although most members of the Korean DOKDO corp were from the South, one of the few North Koreans with internet access was also a member of the corp. A member of the Supreme Leader's inner circle, he recently told Mr. Jong-Un how funny he found The Mittani's attempts to control his fragmenting coalition.

The Supreme Leader researched the matter further and was disgusted to see that the CFC leadership were polluting his innocent countrymen's minds with colossal amounts of dishonesty and outright lies. A crime punishable by being executed by an AA gun in North Korea, Kim Jong-Un released a statement denouncing The Mittani's efforts at spinning. He also placed the blame on CCP for facilitating this criminal and threatened nuclear war on Iceland.

With Kim Jong-Un joining World War Bee as a third party, CCP have released a new character portrait background for the followers of the Supreme Leader. Time will tell whether The Mittani realises the reality of the situation from his bunker.

Sunday 10 April 2016

The Mittani Outsmarts Spies, Leaks Nine Months Worth of Logs

Goonswarm hero The Mittani has today successfully out-manoeuvred Goonswarm defector Lemba by posting logs of CFC leadership channel Illuminati to /r/eve before Lemba got the chance to.

Despite Lemba's virtuous efforts to undermine the CFC, The Mittani has actually been aware of his true intentions for several months now. He decided against kicking him at the time in order to deal a blow to the MBC (whose rise he also foresaw) in Goonswarm's darkest hour. 'These aren't dank leaks', The Mittani stated. 'These are officially de-classified logs. Sorry to disappoint you sweet summer children, I know you think you're entitled to 'dank leaks' (that's a stupid /r/eve meme by the way), but this is a hellwar and we're not going to give you the satisfaction.'

In other CFC news, The Mittani has also announced a ban on his weekly Fireside Chats after realising the irony of delivering them while standing in the middle of a fire. Daily morale posts will now be published on

Idea by Civ Kado and Svara Eir

Wednesday 6 April 2016

Test Alliance Announces 'Where is Goonswarm' Book Kickstarter

DurrHurrDurr, CEO of The DurrHurrDurr Media, has today unveiled an ambitious new kickstarter project on behalf of Test Alliance Please Ignore. Based on the popular 'Where's Wally?' line of books, 'Where is Goonswarm?' promises to be an even bigger hit.

DurrHurrDurr announced the project on /r/eve earlier.
"For too long our favourite bee guys have been missing. What better way to find them then to outsource the job to children? Your child will learn all kind of skills such as willpower, resilience and autism as they try to locate Goonswarm. Seriously, those faggots are fucking hard to find.
But this isn't just about making me fat stacks, it's necessary for the survival of the game. Think of all the kids we could bring into Eve. Maybe it would finally give the CFC enough numbers to defend their space, as well as raising their average IQ."
The idea has been well received by many - from CCP to Pandemic Legion. Less impressed were members of Razor - who's own alliance was recently found in a dumpster. One of them commented "The disappearance of Goonswarm is no laughing matter... They will come... They must come". Goonswarm could not be found for comment.